Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Ten Commandments and How They Relate to You, My Next Christian Love Interest

(A Craigslist personal ad)

I'm a staunch Christian and a firm believer in the word of God. But sadly, I'm without lay, and I adore pious Christian babes, and as such I've decided to create a personal based on my adherence to the Ten Commandments. Numbers appear out of order for dramatic purposes.

IV. Thou shalt not kill

First thing you should know, I'm a great guy. I've never murdered nobody. Not anybody, not a single person. Classy bachelor, here. I never even thought about it to be honest. Well, unless you count that time I thought about joining the Navy. But I decided not to, because, well, I'm too rebellious for that kind of institution. I rebelled against society's stupid bullshit, like discipline and employment, and to a lesser extent the military-industrial complex and war as a means to uphold our global monopoly on currency.

I. I am the Lord thy God

Hell yes I am. You women love confidence.

II. Thou shalt not make for thyself any graven image

As a confirmed Catholic I agree w/this shit. I hate having my picture taken. I hate Instagram.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain

Oh god. Do I really have to respect you this much? You're so vain you probably think this commandment is about you. You're so vain you wasted number four on vanity instead of making one against rape or slavery. That's pretty vain, so if I take the lord's name in vain doesn't that make me more god-like? Not to get all holier-than-thou jesus, but jesus.

See this was supposed to be a personal ad but God, as usual, just wants to be the center of the universe. But I'm a self-centered prick so I'm a very good potential suitor for Christian singles. Also what right do you have to talk about vanity? You literally ask people to call you god which means a supreme being with infinite knowledge. Who do you think you are, Kanye fuckin' West.

IV. Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy

This is probably the most important commandment. One day a week should be kept sacred. After a hard work week, we deserve it. It's the day of worship. It means you should remember to do nice things for the people you love. That means you could suck me off in the tub. And you can feed me grapes and pizza, and pizza with grapes on it. And I will do nice things for you, too, like I will give you presents that you pick out and wrap and pay for.

V. Honor thy Father and Mother

Photo courtesy
Like Best Buy honoring competitor's coupons I will honor your father and mother, so long as I never have to meet them. And hey, I like mine. Plus I will listen to your daddy issues, and probably treat you like you're a mother-figure, so you'll get your religion fix at least in a Freudian sense.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery

100% agreed. I am a firm believer in commitment. I would never devastate a loved one by engaging in the heinous act of cheating. But then you got to think, infidelity is about dishonor and disloyality. So if we agree to be an open, monogamish relationship, we can change it from adultery to unadulterated fun!

But breaking the bonds of trust is something I never want to do. I mean, I would do someone else's wife. Them cheating is terrible but I don't see what that has to do with me. It's like if someone asked you, "Which bank do you think has the most money?" and I say, "Probably the one downtown." I would not be charged with conspiracy to rob a bank merely because I enabled you to do something wrong.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal

Theft is deplorable. I despise it, I don't do it. I mean, I do illegally download on the regular. Because in a relationship sometimes couples need to placate their hollow lives with even emptier entertainment media. That's not theft, though, because you're not depriving anyone of anything. It's simply cloning, and there's no commandment against cloning.

XI. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor

Definitely a Christian in this department. Lie to my neighbors? I don't even talk to them. Mr. Rogers aside I could give a fuck about any neighbor. How typical of religion to pit me against the one genuinely great person to ever grace this comparative cesspool of a planet.

But I also think lies are some of the most beautiful things on this earth. Every surprise party was a lie. Every exaggerated joke was a lie. The mythical figures from Magneto all the way down to Jesus were all lies, but all the fun and education we gleaned from those ideas were not a lie. (J.K., God is alive and heaven is real.)

So I'm glad this is neighbor-specific, because as your future husband I will lie. I will tell you you look great in that skirt, and you're the only person out there for me, because while that stuff isn't true, woman, you're still great enough to make me lie even to myself.

X. Thou shalt not covet

As the ideal Christian bachelor I adhere to not coveting my neighbor's wife, namely because it's sexist to view a person as a possession. But as far as actual objects, why would I covet his shit? If he has something I want, I'm not going to yearn for his possessions, I'm going to yearn to go to Walmart and buy my own.


So that about does her.

If you're a female believer, you're probably dripping wet with holy water by now, and by all means drop me a line if youre DTF(Down to findgod) with NSA(no satan around), because our everlasting eternal happiness needn't wait for an afterlife.

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