Friday, April 20, 2018

Why Wouldn't You Collect Jars of Your Own Urine?

A lot of people ask me, Tim, why do you collect jars of your own pee? And I tell them all the same thing: it would be crazy not to, it’s healthy, rational, and keeps my schizophrenia at bay.

Now I should say I’ve been collecting my own urine in jars regularly since I was a wee (lol) young lad, since I was 18. Actually, since I was 14, but within a couple years my jealous step-dad found out about my collection and had the bottles smashed and disposed of. Eventually he and my mom divorced as she was more tolerant of me, my lifestyle and decisions.

You’d have to be out of your right mind not to collect your urine, especially in this day and age. Constantly, the media bombards us with lifestyle images and what to do, what to consume, how to be the “cool” kid on the block. We are too detached from natural human nature and natural bodily functions. That’s just one of a plethora of reasons.

Reason #1 you know who your friends are when you collect jars of your own urine

The moment you tell a person your religious backyard, sexual identity, political affiliation, there’s always a risk of it being a conversation stopper. Multiply that by 10 and you’re scratching the sticky surface of what it’s like to be a pee-collector. People are either with it, or they literally turn on you at that moment. Now I have a curiously cultivated core group of friends of only the highest and most open-minded intellectuals.

Because my collection is rather large, in the early nineties I bought a disused airplane hangar to store my vast collection, which I keep catalogued perfectly and in order. Like a library I have a ladder for the high shelves, and even a Dewey Decimal-type card system to help me find rare bottles, though I’m thinking of bringing data of my collection online for simplicity. Quite dewy, indeed, hahaha.

Now, imagine the smile on the faces of your guests when you break open a corked, wax-sealed copy of your DNA from 1987. You tell them, “I remember expelling this quite well. Michael Dukakis was still running for president.” This is the distilled essence of life. Yes it is unpleasant, but are not humans? The acrid aroma fills the air, reminding everyone within nose-shot of their youth, those happy days before life was a chore, before toilets were a prerequisite and the awful precursor to domesticated life.

The Infamous Timothy V., guest contributor
Reason #2 reasons of mental health

Now, nobody wants to go crazy, or become schizophrenic. Now I have a long line of schizophrenics in my family. Our family tree looks like it was drawn by Picasso if you catch my drift. I have what my psychologist Terry calls, “A extreme genetic predisposition to psychosis I’m not even sure I should let you leave my office right now or call you in for a 72-hour evaluation.” That’s what the quack said the one time I visited a doctor, but maybe there’s some truth to his words. So how much crazier would I be if my memory salts weren’t keeping the demons at bay?

Ever heard that saying, “If a tree falls in a forest, how can you see the forest through the trees?” It’s a brilliant saying. If you don’t have a collection of your pee, is there any proof you ever existed? Without pain there is no pleasure, without waste there is no treasure. It’s earthy, it literally rejuvenates the soil. When in 1979 after my grandpa died and my bully peed on his grave to “spite” me, I gave him thanks for helping the grass and beautiful flowers that would eventually manifest as the result of his gesture. We’ve been best friends ever since.

Reason #3 it’s hygienic

Every year, a metric quadrillion-ton of human urine makes its way through the sewer system where it is repurposed as fresh, distilled drinking water for babies and cats and the rest of the sentient life-form spectrum. Disgusting. By putting our pee into “sanitation” systems (that’s a LAUGH), we’re actually aiding and abetting its consumption.

I am clean with my storage. Pee is only stored in glass bottles. Yes, it’s caused a few problems with regards to breakage, but it’s the most hygienic way to store decades worth of your urine. Pee as I’m sure you know is also sterile, so it can be used effectively as a disinfectant and made into soaps and other household cleaning products.

Reason #4 it’s mysterious

No one can doubt the magical properties of pee. It changes color. When I think of its beautiful amniotic sac appearance in those moonshine jars, its visual charm is prehistoric, it looks like a honey, a nectar, an amber, it is the color of its own energy, it’s the golden-rose tinted sunglasses spice of life that rarely stops giving. It reminds me of poetry. I love poetry. I love Allen Ginsberg’s America, Silvia Plath, the words of Cornell West, it reminds me of the films of Ingmar Bergman, Autumn Sonata specifically, Francis Ford Coppola’s Godfather trilogy, or A Short Film About Killing by Kieslowski.

In Conclusion

Everyone knows gravity is in charge. Only once we destroy the evil peril of gravity will the mind-reading satellites in space come crashing down. My hangar is coated and lined with tinfoil, inside is a never turned on wireless network, I am wired-in to report to you. Like the jar of urine after my first date with my first love... I drank the white Flavor-Aid, and so many years after the fact I have that memory saved like a
liquid message in a bottle. That’s what life’s about at the end of the day, is it not?

Timothy V. is a staff writer for The New York Times


  1. Your reasons were not convincing. You need to see your pee as proof of your existence? You couldn't just pinch yourself? And regarding reason number 3; what about all the feces going into the sewage system? Since, in your opinion, urine could be used as a disinfectant, wouldn't the urine in the sewage help with the germs? If no one urinated in the toilet, then according to your thinking, the sewage system would be even less hygienic. Your conclusion is a paragraph of unrelated sentences. This is, without a doubt, the strangest article I have ever read.
    Are you really Timothy V. or was that just a statement? I do not see how The New York Times would allow their name anywhere near this story.

  2. REASON #5: It can be used as a weapon towards French people.
    (I'm joking. I never thought someone would do this in real life, but hey, I don't judge. It's not hurting anyone, so do what makes you happy. *thumbs up*)

  3. Reason #6: It can be used as a weapon towards French people.
    (I'm not joking, and I genuinely believe someone plans to do this in real life. It's going to hurt someone, but do what makes them unhappy.)