Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Scholars With Disproportionately Attractive Wives

Above is a photo of intellectual heavyweight author Salman Rushdie and his former wife Padma Lakshmi. Look, ain’t no one trying to fuck Salman Rushdie, plus he writes books about magic realism
The question is, is it responsible and moral for public intellectuals and scientific minds to fuck far outside of their league? The answer, is no. It’s legal, but so is adopting a pet pig and cooking it into bacon. But is right?

Inquiring minds the world over aspire to improve mankind with invention, insights, experiments, and progress. Poor children in Sudan blood sacrifice their moms for a shot at learning in M.I.T., or having access to a keyboard, or a book, any book, a Bill O’Reilly book, or Jewel’s poetry. Good young girls and boys everywhere are not just starved physically, but intellectually for higher thought. And the world’s leading figures so often let these would-be geniuses of tomorrow down by having incredibly fuckable supermodel wives.

Did Salman Rushdie deserve the holy murder sanctioned against him in a Fatwa? In my opinion, yes, but not for anything he wrote in The Satanic Verses. Now, fucking that pristine woman out of his league is a true holy crime. In no reality other than an extremely corrupt capitalist society could Mr. Rushdie achieve a turgid erection and pound it repeatedly into the living Indian Disney princess that is Miss Lakshmi, porking her sloppily like a chef stuffing garlic, spices, and onions into a never-ending line of turkeys. And don’t get me wrong capitalism is great but come on, something must be done to curtail its most grandiose excesses, such as Salman Rushdie defiling this most remarkable of God’s endless creations.

Personal appeal: You’re smart, Rushdie, stop abusing your power to copulate with top shelf babes despite your Best Buy assistant manager looks. You’re making reality stranger than magic realism.

Who is this? The name’s Lalla Ward. She’s the type of beautiful 70s girl too pretty for even the Manson family to try to kill. Supposed moral beacon and public intellectual Richard Dawkins exercised his selfish genes, and probably propagated them, roping in this top notch babe. How “intellectual,” Dick. Why don’t you try humping someone in your own attractiveness bracket? Much like his study of the genome this guy played his environment for the highest statistical advantage to bag this divinely-ordained woman whose entire perfect, intelligently-designed existence casts doubt on every argument in The God Delusion.

How do you mend intelligence with disproportionate attractiveness? Only with sinister evil you try to justify with references to chromosomes and high science.

Even smart man Stephen Fry does it. Come on, Steve. You have this half-your-age eye candy, is it really right? Is it proper for an elderly man to have at his side such an undeniable, delectable twink? Here you have a poor young man and comedian, who anyone, gay or straight, would without question douse in whipped cream and various berries before achieving untold levels of orgasmic bliss with his warm or cold torso and you think your excellent docu-series Stephen Fry In America makes it alright? No, Stephen. Bad Stephen.

Last is philosopher Slavoj Zizek. This man committed crimes against humanity upon marrying Analia Hounie. He is ordinarily seen as an under-dressed panhandler with corn oil and sweat-stains permeating most every inch of his attire. He cannot speak a coherent sentence and seems to have the world’s most brutal cocaine addiction. When not writing insufferable commie ramblings he is putting to suffer women of all types, convincing them with his absurd arguments or perhaps more likely, his wallet book.

Personal appeal: Show some ethics, Zizek. I know you’re already divorced most likely, but have you paid a penance? An attractive young women had to do for you what not the most depraved pornstar would do in exchange for pain-killers and the down payment on a Hollywood bungalow.

More than anything, social reform, feminist and racial issues, we need to address the epidemic of public intellectuals and others fucking far out of their league. How are we to trust Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winners if they don’t display the bare essentials of ethics and not fuck the free-will out of scantily-clad, ravenous, U.S. minted, arousal-inducing fuckmachines? They must be held to their own standards, re-calibrating these psycho-sexual forces onto their fellow colleagues in their own age group and of similar intellect from the abundance of options available in the STEM fields.


  1. Tell me please how I could start to educate myself in such a way that I can write like you do. Crying from laughter. Love the comment and adore the way you wrote it.

    If I may ask you to write me an email with what your studies were or what you read or did to acquire such mastery: I thank you so much.

    Ps; I myself am in a relationship like this, being the pretty end of it and I would like to add a little flip: I am at the end of it because of many more reasons that you displayed in your article.

  2. Except Lalla Ward is now older than old Dick’s fossil collection, but who even wants to go to bed with someone named after a Teletubby in the first place? You should have included Christopher Hitchens and Carol Blue on this list, although he himself was pretty bone-able until he became fat and bald and carcinogen-filled. Just kidding, you know it’s really insensitive to make jokes about people who’ve died of cancer? I hope you RIP, Hitch (that is, Rest In Penetration).

  3. This article doesn't make any sense ,you can't make rules for sexual attraction and if those men are attracted to those people there is nothing to stop them from pursuing them it's their life after all and just because they are ugly doesn't mean they should live without passion.Also just because those women are beautiful doesn't mean they are just objects without their own opinion,they consciously made this choice and this is respected.

  4. Okay, so it seems you have made some points about the stability of these arrangements but why is it so immoral? Just spell it out. Is she just definitely going to be unhappy and so its a bad idea? I think super model intellectuals would help

  5. crazy to think people fuckin read this shit

    1. Correct. Who could continue to read these authors after this enlightening and prescient article.

  6. This is an article of complete genius. Whoever wrote this, so long as they are not disproportionally attractive to me, is most welcome to fuck me anytime.

  7. Damn these old ass dudes really do be boning huh

  8. I a an intellectual Dwarf with Tourettic tics and a dank,musky body-odour from eating,as a native of S.India,copious amounts of hot Curry laced heavily with my favourite spice(after Chillies)called Methi-or to you Westerners,Fenugreeek.And like Most dwarves,I am Extremely well-endowed,Sporting a 9inch cafe-au-lait Sinker as thick as a normal-sized man's Wrist.ALL my girlfriends enjoy what I can Only call 'Sphyxi-sex' meaning,they 'pass-out,hyperventilating madly' during a series of violent Orgasms,or as the French say,'un petite mort'.The thing is,I have to get them to the Top of their Lubricating capacities before I slowly 'feed'them,but before long,their eyes start to roll back into their heads!'Eat Fenugreek' my fellow shaggers,and don't let the burgeoning body-odour put you off,the beauties won't mind when they clap-Eyes on your subsequent Turgidity!

  9. I could smell yoy burning from jealousy through the screen. People are going to date whoever the fuck they want to date. Bye butthurt!