Wednesday, June 18, 2014

How to Masturbate in Public

My daddy always said I was clever and could do anything I wanted with my life. Boy was he right, as this following story will tell.

I'm enjoying some company at Outback Steakhouse. It's an ordinary evening in a snazzy, well-lit environment, when in walks an angel. An absolute angel.

She's got that chin-length blonde hair I like, and the yellow lighting on her bright hair makes it a color one can only describe as "effervescent." If she went to heaven, and I'm sure she's been, because she's an angel remember, her halo would be made of condensed aurora borealis.

She sat at the table across from me, with her boyfriend and his family. And I saw her and thought, Wow. She's perfect. Her smile. Her eye-shadow and feline eyes. I thought, she'd make the perfect girlfriend and the perfect mom, like that mom from The Incredibles. We could move to Washington, live amongst the tall trees. We could live near a park and listen to the children play as we contemplated having our own.

Then I thought about her in a red dress, her skin a blueish hue under the moonlight like an Avatar alien... locking lips... hands on hips...

Then, spontaneously, I began what could only be mildly described as "wanking furiously."

It was terrible and out of my control, like an arm implant from a sinister person rejecting its host body! It was against my will. One could say the experience was out of hand.

Quickly, I pretended I was having a seizure. I hunched and curled myself. There was some nearby AlkaSeltzer I put into my mouth to give the appearance of foaming. (That's stuff's great after meals.)

My beautiful blonde future ex wife said something to the effect, "That guy is Hunchback of Notre Dame spazzing out. And his stare is unnerving."

I distracted the ever-growing audience by slamming my fist on the table repeatedly. I even overheard a man say, "I'm an EMT." And another said, "I'll have a BLT."

Eventually my hulk-like rage subsided and I realized the girl wasn't all that hot after all. The wait staff felt so bad for my seizure they made sure my meal was comped.

All-and-all I learned a valuable lesson on this day: It's very easy to wank in public. Because if you put your mind to it, anything is possible.

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