Thursday, May 29, 2014

Women Are the Kevin Spacey of Genders

Guest blogger Taylor Moore
This is a guest post by Upscale Creamery worker and pro-feminist Taylor Moore.

Women are the Kevin Spacey of genders. Predators posin' as prey, seeming direct and crazy but that's just a false flag. It's a covert, decoy sort of thing. It gets you calm and passive and you just think silently, "Bitches be craz-y, yo, holmes," and then your house, dog and child disappear and all your friends are turned against you and you shout "Jane Doe has the upperhand!" into the nearest megaphone.

Because you were in the desert or field and you open up a box and it's a manhood and you recoil in horror. Is that... What I think it is? You can hardly recognize your own junk, until it's encased in formaldehyde and has a placard with your name on it like they did to Rasputin.

So these dirty coy wenches are playin' possum, building a house with you, but it's a House of Cards. They mess with your head until you're reduced to pooping in a chamberpot. Didn't you ever hear the story of The Scorpion and The Frog? No, well it's a fable about women. Here's how it goes:


The scorpion (the man) needs to get across the pond, so it needs to float across on the frog(the female)'s back. So the frog lady is like alright. Midway through the pond the frog wants to change the nature of the relationship and asks for children and for the scorpion to say he loves her and thus he's like wtf, no. I just wanted to float around, girl. Frog lady is like if you don't, I'll sink us both. So they land on the nearest lilypad island and begin a fight to the death. Because of the lilypad it's like an octagon and the scorpion begins shooting lasers out of its tail at the frog, and the frog barrel-rolls out of the way. The frog meanwhile seduces the scorpion and uses intimacy for an advantage. Once the scorpion licks the frog it gets high on the LSD of love, making it susceptible to attack. The frog then uses the insider information gleaned from intimacy like Edward Snowden against him and she's like, I'll make your deepest fears come true if you don't bend to my will. This raises scorpions tail, putting him a vulnerable state and he charges at the frog and she side steps and he drowns in the water. The frog then swims to shore and makes a living selling his electronics on eBay.

Rasputin's huddled mass yearning to breathe free

It's like that quote by that guy.
Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.
George Bernard Shaw
It's the counter to the brute force of man, the subtle underplayed hand. Coldblooded reptiles just like the frog in that centuries old fable. It's the slow knife that cuts the deepest. We take any bad deed men do and in a subversive way Pay It Forward threefold. This ensures our gender-reign and matriarchy. Also this is coming from a woman so any accusation of sexism is logically impossible.

So just when you think you've got a wounded bird in your iron sights, you receive a Citibank text alert that your trustfund has been depleted. Then she strips you of your dignity and her leg limp vanishes and turns into a haters gon' hate meme style pimp walk. So then you sit, sadly, wanking, asking yourself, Who is Keiser Soze?

File under feminism,

No comments:

Post a Comment