Wednesday, May 15, 2013

How to Name a God Damn Baby

Having a weird name sucks. Your name is your identity. Hello, I'm earth inmate #3-4-8-6-8-6-9-2-1-4. It's your identity and a lot of people put emphasis on uniqueness but the other side of the coin is that certain things that are unique aren't always memorable. Man, it must suck to be named Mike. Someone calls out the name and five people stand up. But it has its upsides. It's catchy. It's classic. It's like Coke. You fit into the groove. Your acceptance into society is on auto-pilot. That there's Bill! There's no question about Bill. He's a person. He's a guy. His parents are traditional, there's a whole history with a name. You've never met Bill, but it's safe to say he ain't from South Africa. He's blue collar. You know all this through the great power of predictability and stereotypes.

But a weird name, like mine, is its own curse. First of all, more than two syllables, really? Any more than two, that fucker's getting forgotten. Quit being pretentious fucks. Quit being a ego-centric Madonna self-important Leo-cunt. Why do nicknames exist? Because bullshitter parents giving out 3-to-4 syllable names like their son is the second-coming. You're not creating the next Nelson Mandela. You know why he made it? Because he has a two-syllable first name. Name one great person with three, let alone four. I cannot. Let me look through my Facebook likes to prove a point. There's a total of 29 people. Of these people only one of them has a name with more than two syllables. Christopher Hitchens was the only one and that's a name's that's a Made Man with it's Standardized, Globally Accepted Nick Name Chris. How to name a baby?

Step #1. Give its name two or less syllables. 

Don't give your kid some forgettable, try-hard, pretentious 7-syllable name. Cameron, Sullivan, Isaiah, Oliver. Your kid's not a kitchen appliance or a bible character. You know how fucking cool you've gotta be to make any of these type of shit names work? These are the names of drunk bums you find sitting alone the sea docks taking swigs of Sailor Jerry's and singing to themselves. Be informed, people. Be prepared.

Now to further prove my point, and waste valuable time in my already much-ruined, go nowhere life, I will now research all the presidents of the United States. Oh my lord. William Henry Harrison was the first 3-syllable name. This guy croaked after 32 days in office. This guy is remarkable for his insignificance. Who's next? Zachary Taylor. This loser died 16 months into his first term. Only nine presidents in total had names above two syllables. The last three syllable name president was William Howard Taft in 1913. The only impressive name is Abraham Lincoln. That's how impressive you've got to be to make a shitty name work, you've got to completely turn the tide of history.

Step #2. Not too weird.

Don't be pompous and self-righteous like Coldplay's lead singer and doom your child with a name like Apple or Flux Capacitor. Celebrities love dooming their offspring to a lifetime of emotional torment and beatings. More importantly, with unusual names you will be asked to participate in the tedious process of repeating yourself. To deter this, you have to enunciate your name like an army sergeant so they get it right the first time, but this makes them mispronounce it or think you're overly enthusiastic about your own name, now imagine doing this during loud music and at this point you can never talk to anyone at a club and you die alone as a result. Think, people. Think. Original is only good when it works. We associate original with success and forget about the failures. Don't let your kid be a failed startup internet company from the late 90s.

Step #3. Let your kid name itself. 

This is the third and final step of my poorly thought out guide. Let you kid name itself. Most kids are named as fetuses. Fetuses don't have discernible personalities. How the heck are you going to name something you know nothing about? Learn about the kid first. Give it a personal touch. There an endless cascade of mediocrity in the naming department. Most people go their whole lives with some preordained name that says little about them. I mean, you might fuck in France and name your daughter Paris for its place of conception, but that says more about selfish parents. But the preordained names are even worse, so fatalistic. May as well arrange a marriage while you're at it, and a career path. You gotta get creative with it. Eventually some weird characteristic will come out of your kid, like he's curious and likes to play with electrical sockets so you name him Buzz. That's a story. That's a name. You gotta name the child after the essence it emits, not some random, idealized version of your kid that you dream him or her to be. Or let it name itself. By 2040 we'll have 20% of our population filled with Spongebobs and Doras but I guess it's better than Johns and Janes.

Additional advice.

Now, there's a potential legal issue with not naming your kid right away, as if there's any reason some nameless pile of protoplasm needs to be identified on paper. We have a social security number, isn't that enough? That's our real name in the eyes of society anyhow. So when the doctor asks you, put Untitled or TBA. Or something unacceptable to bring about a legal debate. Name your offspring Hitler to raise some moral objections and then say Hitler or nothing! Whatever you need to do for that extra baby-naming time. You should get at minimum three years to name your kin. This is the only way you're going to create and raise a human with a name worth a damn. So when they hand you the form, write down Hitler, last name, As sponsored by WBBI 107.5 FM. Remember, a good name echoes in eternity.

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