Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Say you found the perfect girl

She's christian, dresses well, comes from a rich family, always has a cosmetic case full of coke, and considers your cum her raison d'etre — especially when adorned along the walls of her supertight sphincter.

When not busying herself with devoted love of family, cooking, buying gifts, a profitable real estate career, and neglecting her close friends per your jealousy, she enjoys to perform a mock newscast only for you. This entails reciting the latest gaming, gadget, and stormfront.org news, all while in the nude and lacing commentary with naughty innuendo. Later your tension is let go via strap-on sex, while this articulate angel reads Tolstoy aloud from a book on your back.

Aside from these sexual-spiritual events, she's charitable and hopes to one day own a bagel and coffee shop attached to an arthouse theater in France (since she knows the language). Being a sweet little shorty, on your fourth dating anniversary, the gal got, "PROPERTY OF [YOUR NAME]" tattooed around her rectal opening. Afterward, This lass handed you your property over and over again while humming the Tetris theme ("The Peddler"), and reciting dialogue from Neon Genesis Evangelion in her very best Harry Potter voice.

However, before your 5th anniversary and wedding day, she confesses an affair during the previous summer. While her parents were in Chile visiting relatives, she kissed the gardener of their mansion, "Juanito-San" (a young, half-Mexican, half-Japanese lawn care expert). It was only a kiss, but feeling so distraught over the betrayal, she crept up behind Juanito-San in the garden shed and popped him over the head with a shovel.

Lost in rage and confused, next your girl decided to choke his throat and free his soul of life, as she had always been curious about killing a person. She adds, "Beating his dead corpse with a spare bike wheel afterward was exhilarating. I hadn't felt so empowered since I was 12 and I first powered up in Super Mario Brothers 3." To follow up, your love admits later disposing of the body in small pieces over the next two weeks and making a necklace from his teeth. Despite the joy she had in taking a human life, your fiance promises she'll probably try never to murder anyone ever, ever again.

Now this most perfect of girls is going to be your wife tomorrow, and got you a cool, rad, vivid blue mountain bike as a wedding gift. Over 400 guests are expected to attend. Do you go through with it knowing of her dark secret?

I would, but only if I really loved her.


  1. Substitute a coffee can full of 80mg oxycontin for the mountain bike and I'm in.