I Hope the Great Barrier Reef Dies

I hope the Great Barrier Reef dies, its supposed majestic beauty strangled by the unintended consequence of industry. Let it be bleached out of existence. Of all underwater treasures and tourist spots it’s the most insidious. It calls forth an air of conceit unrivaled.

The “Great” Reef? One would have to ask, “By what standard?” Of all the Great Wonders of the World this particular coral reef has never been listed, let alone considered. It’s better judged in comparison to its 3rd rate cousin, the lackluster Christmas reef. Even the marijuana reefer I’m not fond of.

Arguments against this ecological abomination:

1. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

You cannot even visit the reef without dying. Meanwhile, people have traveled up to Mt. Everest, the highest point on earth’s surface, without the use of oxygen tanks. Poor planning for something intended for admiration.

2. THE REEF IS WEAK

The reef could not stand even the slightest demand brought on by the industrial revolution. It’s existed for so long and a few chemicals and fishing techniques completely upset its balance? Go die already, you whimpering, sobbing, heaving, hysterical reef.

3. WHAT’S IT DONE FOR US?

Absolutely nothing.

4. UNIMPRESSIVE

Even during its heyday almost anything is more pleasing to the eyes than these underwater dirt-flowers.

If I had my way, I’d pay seamen a hundred dollars a day to pull out these abhorrent seaweeds just to personally stomp them to pieces. They are disgusting. People who would choose to defend these weeds are as toxic as they are, and need to be stamped out in similar fashion. I wish I could be there as it dies, its brittle bones whisked away by the ocean current; its tears disguised and dispersed in the undertow.

In 1972 John Lennon wrote, “Woman is the [n-word] of the world.” Good guess, Johnny, but real answer was this underwater plague soon to be eradicated. Where humanity lacked the courage to systemically eradicate these revolting, green sea sponges, industry has brought them to heel. There’s a reason reefs have went from their rainbow-esque appearance to the dull, venal, expired fungus they resemble today: they’re final showing their true colors.