A Christian’s View on Sex With Dolphins Erotica

Guest columnist "Square" Andy

Andy Answers

I’ve been inundated with emails this week. Everyone’s asking me the same thing: What is the Christian position, and perspective, on erotic literature involving dolphins?

Sadly, as is often the case with Christianity... there is no easy answer. There are several passages in the bible against eating seafood. I personally don’t eat seafood. Heaven, I don’t even call it “seafood,” because you’re not supposed to eat it. They’re sea CREATURES. But what is God’s position on sea sexual relations? That’s where the topic gets tricky.

Obviously, a homosexual coupling is immoral. Some take a hardline stance and say gays should be murdered with rocks, thrown at them with disdain and intense velocity, but as a progressive person I disagree. I advocate stoning humans to death only once our scientists figure out how to do it in a humane way with minimal suffering.

Eroticizing dolphins is a whole other story. Now, there’s a reason we don’t eat dolphins. Dolphins are intelligent. Any sex with sea-life such as a seahorse, a clownfish, or a mackerel is for all intents and purposes rape. A dolphin and even some whales, however, possess uncanny thinking and communicative capacity. It is completely the norm for people who spend a lot of time with dolphins to develop very natural, intuitive, stimulating relationships with such creatures. It’s perfectly normal to go swimming with a dolphin you’ve taken a liking to, canoodling through the sea, cuddled safely under a fin. It is a beacon of sound mind to want eventually consummate an inter-species, human-dophin relationship, with rubbed bellies that lead to pink organs, and drifting in water while staring up at the stars in post-coital bliss. There is not one scintilla of evidence otherwise in the bible or even any other spiritual teaching that this is in direct conflict with the will of any God.

A young woman reads to her partner

Yet let me be clear: this is NOT a conversation about inter-species sex with dolphins, only inter-species sex with dolphins erotica. Even if you were comb through the bible and find a suggestive passage involving dolphins, that’s not to say there’s any correlation between very real sexual relationships and literature merely depicting those relationships. Dolphin erotic literature is at worst, a tiny microcosm of dolphin inter-species sexual activities, and no man should be looked down upon for it regardless of his religious affiliations or lack thereof.

Now, I’m not going to sit around all day and type this out because this topic holds little interest for me, I’m not going to sit here playing apologist, I’m not going to be the contrarian or play the “Devil’s advocate,” even if I were to use such a vulgar expression. But if you were to find yourself with a lack of girlfriend and secure a job at say, SeaWorld, or secured a dolphin for your private use, in an industrial-sized tank, simply to explore your own affinity for a dolphin or dolphins, no one on EARTH or ABOVE has an reasonable right to judge your actions. But WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT INTER-SPECIES SEXUAL RELATIONS BETWEEN HUMAN AND DOLPHIN, WE ARE MERELY TALKING ABOUT THE EROTIC DEPICTION OF THE UNLIKELY YET FULLY CONSENSUAL COUPLING OF A HUMAN AND A DOLPHIN THROUGH THE WRITTEN WORD. FANTASY. NOT REAL LIFE. WORDS. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH WORDS.

Not that I have any dog in this fight either way.

I am merely concerned with helping people who sometimes lack the foresight and perspective of the Christian faith and pursue guidance via the internet and forms of social media.

So, I would say, in closing, if this sort of thing rocks your tugboat, tug away! There’s still time for Sundays, strawberries will still tastes delicious, spending time with your family is still the pinnacle, and sunny days bring sun rays that last for days. And remember, the Holy Word is sacrosanct, it's God’s law... anything else is an attempt to subvert your freedom.

-Square Andy

Christian, journalist, 3rd shift manager @Target