Friday, October 3, 2014

Why No One Cares About You And Why You Should Care

Why does no one care about me?

Hey guys, just a heads up.

No one cares about your major life achievements, let alone your minor ones.

No one cares you got married, no one cares about your kid, no one cares about your college degree or promotion. No one cares you rescued a dog or that you have the best boy/girlfriend ever.

Been in an auto accident recently? No one cares.
Met your New Years Resolution? No one cares.
You met Mark McGuire? No one cares.
You went to a Stephen King Book signing? He cared for 19.95 a minute.
You fell in love? No one cares.
Your band is putting on a show? Definitely no one cares.

Got a disease? This one's tricky. People imagine it's them for one second and feel distress, before quickly not caring again because it's you and not them.

Your wife cheated on your anniversary? No one cares.
Your aunt died? No one cares.
You lost 100 LBS? No one cares.
You killed a man in Reno just to watch him die? No one cares.
You went to jail? No one cares.
You're addicted to pain killers? Give me some or shut up about it.

No one cares about the major things going on in your life because we're worried about our own.

Now, the thing is, if people don't care about the major events going on in your nothing life, they definitely don't about the minor ones you spread on social media.

It's your birthday? No one cares.
You went shopping? No one cares.
You made a meal and took a picture? No one cares.
You're feeling stressed? Translation: You're alive (and no one cares).
You're feeling blue? No one cares.
You wrote a song about your loneliness? No one cares.

Nikola Tesla basically invented or perfected everything regarding modern electricity and wireless technologies. He's been dead about 72 years. Your grandma might have met him, that's how little long ago he died and most people don't know his name. Most people don't care about Tesla, and no one cares what movie you're seeing tonight.

No one cares about the guy who cured polio, and definitely no cares what book you're reading.

No one cares about what you dressed up for at Halloween nor would they care about even John Lennon's

That Instagramed photo of your backyard? No one cares.
The meaning of the term "innocuous?" No one cares.
The fact you hate caramel? No one cares
You visited a new city? No one cares.
You stubbed your toe? No one cares (x-cept to lol, lol).
The meme you relate to? No one cares.
Your favorite anything? They only asked so you'd ask them theirs.

Even your apathy is unnoteworthy and mundane.

Built a city within a city? No one cares.

Why you should care that no one cares

You should care because others not caring frees you of the constant restraint of self-doubt you feel.

What if I mess up? No one cares.
What if I fail? No one cares.
What if no one notices me? They're not already.
I'm walking garbage? No one cares.
Heroin addict? No one cares.
Prostitute? No one cares.

Crossdresser? No one cares.
Conservative? No one cares.
Christian preacher? No one cares.
Drug dealer? No one cares.
Weapons smuggler? No one cares.
All of the above plus meth? No one cares.

Rob Ford is the mayor of a major metropolitan city and openly admits to smoking crack and makes pussy jokes during press conferences. It's pretty apparent that the city of Toronto, the country of Canada, North America, this planet, and the cosmos generally do not give a flying shit.

Not Caring: A Visual Representation

People mostly care about you in relation to how it effects them. Eventually someone will create a six-sided dildo but no one in the group is going to to be thinking, "Damn, I'm sure glad Johnny Altruist was around to create this great tool in service of mankind." No, they're on their own kick.

Now that you know no one cares, consider it Liberating! Consider it Freeing! It's like bungee jumping over a deep lake in a life-vest while wearing Depends, you've got all the angles covered.

Nothing can go wrong. We're all at best a blip on anyone's radar. So for your next social gathering or social network post, please proudly proclaim, "Yes, I'm on Valtrex! I was irresponsible once but I'm on the road to recovery. I once was lost, but now am found."
"Your brain is going, 'Oh my god, what are people going to think?' Then you realize, people don't give a shit. When Lindbergh crossed the Atlantic, they gave him a parade. Then what did people do? They went home to their own lives. They thought about that for an hour." - Albert Brooks

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