Sunday, July 6, 2014

I Hope Justin Bieber is Elected President

I hope Justin Bieber is elected president so people who get angry over stupid shit like him and government's heads collectively explode and we will build our new utopia upon your ashes and I guarantee a two-fold increase in quality of life, not only for humans but for animal life, too. And I know he's not 35, but I hope Obama passes a law to make him supreme ruler and he becomes like Joffrey in Game of Thrones except this time I would root for him.

I would a hundred times rather hang out with Kardashians and Biebers than an equal amount of people who get their kicks from mocking them, aka simultaneously feeding the hysteria and unconsciously enjoying every second of it. Every time someone says 'Nicki Minaj sucks' in some pseudo-'statement', all they're doing is guaranteeing a lifelong career for the person because at some point in celebrity, a backlash is more profitable than apathy.

I hope Miley Cyrus is elected his queen, so people can continue saying she's destroying America, not realizing they're the biggest part of the problem, and the most effective part of the marketing is their knee jerk reaction to whatever 'controversy' a bunch of executives conspire to make. Hey look, she's twerking with stoned pandas! I hope Bieber and Cyrus make bobble-headed children so people can hate them to distract them from the fact they hate their lives.

Honestly, I hope this happens and I hope King Bieber rules with a BK kids meal cardboard crown, the only one appropriate for this country. And every time things are going bad we should raise gas prices by a dollar, because everyone who complains about gas prices not understanding basic inflation and can't remotely grasp the complex geopolitical factors that go into fluctuating market prices deserve to have their minds blown like in that movie by David Cronenberg.

I hope our country is renamed the United Staples Center of America so people like Gnome Chomsky can lose their shit too, unable to realize how myopic and stupid the idea that corporations can only be evil is. The kind that ask Where's MY Bailout? As they undergo a second bankruptcy. Then we get Walmart-branded housing to store all the people who complain about monopolies while supporting them unanimously.

I hope Kanye West is put in charge of Foreign Affairs and his first action is a petition to make Paris Hilton the new pope. I hope future wars are sponsored by Beats by Dre so that maybe people will then find a reason to be disgusted by them. At best I hope anyone who disagrees with this vision of paradise ends up having to move into Chernobyl with Honey Boo Boo as a landlord. And it would be especially distasteful since everything there looks like the music video for Wrecking Ball.

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