Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Stories I won't be writing

I'm a busy man. Even though I've got ideas, I spent the majority of this month watching all 97 episodes of Tales From The Crypt. This leaves our loyal fanbase without much new content. To make up for this, you may write your own imaginative tales by expanding on ideas I don't have time for:

Da Vinci Buys Bread. The original master of multitasking Leonardo takes a much needed break for bread and lemonade. His male lover named Buggo has recently fled his presence to be with a local lass and part-time harlot. This predicament leaves Leo befuddled, disgusted, and forced to do his own shopping. He becomes overwhelmed when his ever-philosophical mind is presented with several choices of bread to buy. Will it be wheat, sourdough, or Italian herb & cheese?

Freud Gets His F—k On. A biography about a psycholo-rockstar and his kinky flirtations with cocaine, bondage, and "heavy" poetry. This tells the tale of Freud's obsession the anus, wet dreams, his Mother, and how his juvenile teen comedy books are misrepresented as fact and accidentally taught in public schools.

Moustaches is So Last Century. Silver-haired rapstar Sisqo travels back in time and teaches Andrei Tarkovsky how to lighten up and party. Later, Andrei directs a steamy music video for The Thong Sequel, landing the director in hot water with the then red Soviet Union.

Diary of M. Angelo. Michael Angelo is brought back to life through cloning by the brilliant mind of the Unibomber. The Unibomber takes him to see his work at a museum, to which the artist exclaims, "Exhibits? This shit's for poseurs." Later, Angelo tosses a flaming Unibomber — whom he stuffed full of bombs — over the glass guarding his statue of David and runs like hell.

Notice Me, Cashier SeƱorita. A bed-ridden Bertrand Russell is dying of cancer. Imminent death and his sickness fry his brain into a creative powerhouse, and through intelligence he transforms back to a healthy 25-year-old. He celebrates with some Taco Bell and getting the clerk's phone number, holding off on writing down the the secret to eternal life. In the parking lot a large teapot falls out of the sky crushing him. Maria comes to his side during his last moments of consciousness.

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