Sunday, April 19, 2009

Looking for love on Craigslist #1

Humble, smart young man looking for goth or deaf woman.

Hello, I'm a charming, treasure of a young man looking for a goth and/or deaf woman (doesn't have to be both). I myself am not goth or deaf. Don't reply if you're one of those condescending, snobbish "big D Deaf" people. Normal women are boring and spoiled. In this time and age character is hard to find, but perhaps less likely so in these particular types.

By goth I don't mean a vastly overweight mouth-breather in raver jeans, but rather a sweet, caring girl made gentle by years of passive abuse and neglect from average, apathetic parenting. Someone who can be cynical or morbid, and allows me to make fun of their step-brother behind his hunchback. No scenesters with goth tendencies who sulk at the idea of personal enjoyment. Must be willing to shop at Walmart. Super Walmart that is, none of those low-class regular Walmarts.

Alternatively, a middle-aged deaf woman, maybe with some old tattoos that she regrets, who loves passing time drinking beer and wearing dark pink tank tops. Must enjoy pumpkin-carving. I don't, but I imagine she should. We can go on water rides at Six Flags, we'll have a blast. I have patience and am willing to learn basic sign language gestures provided you're willing to teach dirty words as well.

The relationship could be romantic, friendly or other. We can do lots of fun things including hayrides, happy meals and online video games. I would also accept a young girl who looks and acts like she's from the 50's, or a Romanian girl who has a friend with a mole on her face.

Liking anime is a plus. Your legs can be hairy. Finger nails must not be long or fake. I once fell in love with a tranny so you'll have to show me your genitals right away. It will be in a sanitary and medical kind of way. I can't afford to take any more chances.

Please shoot me an email if you're interested and include your name and life story. Serious replies only.


  1. Your plea has touched my heart and I believe I have the solution. My neighbor is a 50 year old hispanic woman with some crappy biker tats and frizzy, dried out hair. She's also a born again Christian and chain smoker. I think that's what they call "win win". Her 30 year old retarded son gives a mean handjob too. Here's the kicker - she works at WalMart!