Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Looking for love on Craigslist #2

**To Women: Like Nothing You've Experienced Before**

Look, I'm posting this ad in the adults personal because perhaps the audience will be more fitting and more welcome attention will be brought to it. My last ad was a bit of a failure and only attracted one girl who had pictures of herself having an underwater birth posted online.

Now, what I'm searching for is more than simply a casual encounter, even if the relationship consists of only sexual gratification. I speak of the difference between two humans "having a good time", locking their antlers, jamming antennas (whatever the kids are calling it these days), versus being spiritually born anew by the union of two separate entities united in a free, completely uninhibited form of expression.

That is, what I look for in a potential lover is a female aged seventeen to sixty-two who is willing to take a pie to the face. More than merely a simple drunken night of cheap sex. We can meet and hit it off. I can borrow one of my dad's industrial-sized garbage bags to cover the floor before the pie throwing.

Despite what most would find is an alarming absurdity in this act, the root of its sensual delight lies its freedom. The liberating feeling you get as you are hit with a tasty pie and take that first gasp of air through its messy remains. The feeling of empowerment over yourself and a better understanding of your being. The rebellion against society's preconceived notions, stereotypes, etiquette, oppressive social rules and judgment.

There's a few ground rules beforehand. First, I don't necessarily like pies so I won't be willing to eat much of them. You should dress in something nice if you're willing to participate, the more formal the better. Throwing a pie at a lover wearing their old painting shirt doesn't exude the same bold statement of purity, rebirth and moral cleansing as pieing someone in their Sunday dress. Lastly, I don't know how to make or bake pies, but I have a new job and will soon be able to buy pies. If you can make and bake pies this is a definite positive. Alternatively they have pre-made pie crusts that can be filled to the brim with whipped cream which sounds no more difficult than Easy Mac.

As for me 5'9" of average build and somewhat more handsome than the Elephant Man.

So, you've read this far and you're likely intrigued. If pies aren't your things there are alternatives. You can be doused in Hersey's chocolate syrup or I could give you a relaxing massage while you bathe in the purplest of grape Koolaid. I can show you the stars of Lucky Charms or place Poptarts in areas you would've never thought of.

Are you the one?

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