Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pitch for a reality tv show

First, you gather tons of money. Why? This show's destined to be a hit. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? has little trouble dealing out the cash, why should this? The sponsors are going to go nuts over the idea. It'll be like the Superbowl, only held once a week.

Are you ready? Okay, second, you're going to need Tom Cruise. Why? He's a huge celebrity, and insane. This is the most important ingredient. Tom Cruise has to be a part of it. He obviously doesn't give a shit about doing valid, important work, as evidenced by Valkyrie and the Mission Impossible series. Use your gathered money and pay Tommy whatever he gets for people to think he's the nameless guy doing the cool stunts in his movies.

The concept is to put Tom Cruise in a normal town, one far removed from the big cities in The States. Everyone will be fascinated by his celebrity. The show will follow his day to day life in the new city, compiling about a weeks worth of shooting into a one hour weekly show. The show will also document the town's reaction to Tom's presence. A headline will read, "Tom Cruise Plays Baseball w/Kids, Local Woman Faints."

After a while, months and months later, people will get tired of Tom. Everyone will have his autograph. Everyone will have their own unique story involving Tom. Several wives will regrettably whisper his name during lovemaking causing jealous husbands to beat them with shovels. People will grow tired of Tom's presence attracting chaos and fangirls to their quiet village of humbleness and hard work.

They'll realize that none of his movies were that great, his beliefs are silly, and people all over need to realize Risky Business is no artistic achievement and his role in Rain Man could've been played by Dustin Hoffman's real life, retard counterpart.

Once the denizens of Any Town, USA, realize he's an average human, the villagers will slowly begin to turn on him like in the movie Dogville. This part of the script is not given to T-Boy Cruise. They'll play dubious pranks on the bastard, mock him in public, and give him general hell. They'll ask for ridiculous favors you wouldn't expect from the most altruistic of motherfuckers. They'll filthy his name in the local papers with slander that makes his Oprah appearance look like good press.

As for the show's ending, well, I suppose nature will take her course after Tom's mindfreak activates and he's caught strangling a 12-year-old Cuban kid for spray painting "Katie deserves Pacey, Cruise is bad news!" on his triple car garage. After the trial, he's sentenced to death by catapult — an obscure law applying only to scientologists. The thoughtful Mayor promises to eradicate the law after Cruise's death.

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