Thursday, March 4, 2021

Paintballing as a resolution to war

This is how you change war. Now, as has been said, war is a continuation of politics by other means. War is the “civil” median to solve problems with violence. And yet there are rules and “war crimes,” certain acts cannot be committed. You have rules dictating the ethical ways in which you can murder and imprison your enemies. It was finally taken seriously after WWII with the Geneva Convention.

But if we can agree not to use chemical weapons, why can’t we take it a step further and make the rules of war more stringent? This is the simple new rule: all future wars are one civilized paintballing tournament.


This will be great for several reasons:

1. The most important of which is we can now profit from wars. I mean, not in the traditional sense of stealing natural resources, weapons contracts, securing the dollar as the reserve currency and maintaining power consolidations. We can air war footage, live and in real time. This is good, because with On-Demand streaming services no one wants to watch commercials anymore, this is a reason to tune into basic cable and more of an “event” to share, new wars will begin #trending in no time.

Because war is driven by petty, primitive behavior, all war-time paintballs, paint bombs, and paintbrushes (knives) are legally required to be an emasculating “hot pink” in color. There will be NO MORE flag burning, either. Instead, you must take your opponents flag and wash it with a basket of red underwear until it achieves the correct rosy hue.

Atomic paintbombs will blow this acrid color all over leaving cities and towns demoralized. Dejected men will walk around like barbies, slathered in this repulsive paint, more traumatized than if their platoon had actually died. You were defeated, and the town you knew your entire life is now a concrete rose garden. Worst of all your sisters, mothers and wives will say, “Maybe this defeat isn’t such a big deal after all,” as the hit up their local Hobby Lobby to find matching drapes.

This brings us to another fair point.

2. Paint-war will bring about breast cancer awareness. Why not tie it in? Apparently, no one’s aware of breast cancer. This is the true apocalyptic landscape. In all future dystopian movies you’ll have a shot of the pink statue of liberty.

3. People will still die. People will slip and die as the streets run pink with the “blood” of war. Paintbombs will kill and maim. Spraypaint like napalm will leave soldiers blinded. There will be deaths from shrapnel. 


Of course, activist groups will complain this is inhumane, but on the daily there are terrorist bombings, beheadings, and dead soldiers, but they are only really upset this ruins the mood of the alone time with their caviar-scented vibrators.

4. The mainstream media can remain relevant. Second to only the military-industrial complex is the media-industrial complex. They align lockstep with government historically, playing into xenophobic fears and profiting from advertising revenue as they siphon a sense of importance from tepid reportage. Without war, there is no self-aggrandizing moralism to use as a platform to place themselves above the masses.


image of future city destroyed by war
5. War-torn cities of the future still quite livable. Look up some photos of post war societies after foreign interventionism. The devastating toll is incalculable. Perhaps the rainbow roaded, post-war towns of the future will be the impetus for some real reflection on the true cost of war.

6. It doesn’t have to end at war. It can be fitted to gangland shootings. Spree killers might be cool for once. Members of society mimic their culture. Losers like Nikolas Cruz might think twice next time and instead go for a paintball shooting spree. Sure, they would get expelled and lose most future job prospects, but they would get their point across in a safer way and after a couple years probation they could be interviewed on Good Morning America on why they attacked church goers with waterballoons full of lead house paint.

Add any additional reasons in the comments, as this is a brilliant idea but also a work-in-progress.

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