Friday, August 1, 2014

Winning the Stone: A True Story

The following story may be the most important thing you ever read. It is entirely true, and I implore you to read it, as doing so may save your life or the life of someone you care about.

On our way to shoot some hoops I'm riding shotgun with my Russian friend. Now mind you this cat doesn't have his English game proper. He's like, "Before we go I go visit friend Wendy, yeah. Pick up monies and play some Xbox, yeah?"

In my head at this point I'm like whatever and I go along with it. Uncanny what happens next, dude pulls up to the WENDY'S parking lot. I'm scoffing like, Igor, this is a restaurant, not a person. Needless to say we head in.

We sit down. He treats me to a frosty for my patience. I shit you not, at one point his snaps his finger and tells the redheaded cashier, "WENDY, come here!" and points to a spare seat. I'm cringing in embarrassment at this guy's poor cultural cohabitation or what not. Then I'm in awe, in AWE, when the redhead not only does what he says, but walks up to him and her name tag says WENDY on it. Holy shit. I'm astonished.

Igor says, "Bring Xbox and bring my monies." Wendy gives a confused look then goes, "Oh, I know what you mean."

"Oh this is your friend Wendy and she works actually at Wendy's?" I ask.

"No, no Wendy, friend of Wendy."

"Igor, They aren't friends of Wendy's, they're called employees."

Then a girl returns with an Xbox and a wad of cash, rubber-banded up. She hands him the money and he's like, "Thanks Wendy."

Then I notice this is a SECOND girl named Wendy working at Wendy's. But this one was more auburn hair. This is his actual friend.

Needless-to-say in this weird chain of events Wendy number 2 attaches the Xbox to one of the LCD menu screens.

A stray bald father of three yells out, "Hey, I was ordering from that!"

Anyway we're playing Halo on a Wendy's menu screen and the scene is so bizarre clientele begin to gather and form a circle around me, Igor, two Wendy's and some co-workers. Suddenly it's night time and someone brings a barrel full of assorted alcoholic drinks. It's got this disco nightclub vibe going, with laser bowl blacklights. Everyone's liquored up and taking advantage of the free refills. It becomes the happening spot in a matter of hours, and someone even brings a pick up truck with those batsignal lights on it. VIP, velvet rope, people still ordering chicken strips, it's insanity.

Go-go dancers decorate themselves with honey mustard and do shots off one-and-other. Then out of the corner I notice a guy in a feathered pimp suit. He taps a wine bottle with a plastic spoon to quiet the room. He yells out.

"Let He who is without Win, cast the first Stone!" At first it's confusing before it sets in, it's actor Ray WINSTONE, still trying to get laid from his bit part in The Departed. He's boisterous, drunk, and generally unpleasant.

At this point I am sitting in the middle of a round-a-about sorta table, stuck between two beautiful Wendy's in a dark corner of the place. Got my button up buttoned down a bit, a fresh chalice of cola, and the babes confront me with some statements.

"Bet we know what's on your mind," both Wendy's say in unison.

"Bet you do..." I reply.

"Heh, heh. No really, Dragline, We're mind-readers."

"Um..." I start squirming in my seat a bit. I never told them my name.

The music stops. The lights raise. Everyone in the party has their eyes on me.

"We're reading your mind right now."

"Wendy, tell me what's on his mind."

"No problem, Wendy." Wendy says, "OK, right now, the exact thoughts on this man's mind are...Oh dear god..." Wendy breathes deeply. He's thinking, "Wolverine doesn't seem all that tough. He's a mutant for God's sake. He has unlimited power. I bet you if my bones were made of metal it would be really easy for me to go around telling people to go fuck themselves."

At this point everyone in the club began laughing at me, except Igor who was passed out near the virtual fireplace.

At this point Ray Winstone, still in a drunken stupor, starts overacting some bullshit words to me. He's like, "Listen kid. Ever see that Budweiser commercial where they get a guy and all this crazy stuff happens to him, but it turns out it was all planned?"

I start laughing and saying, "Hahaha, oh, is THAT what's going on here!?"

Ray Winstone says, "Yes, only more like the movie Saw. Have you seen Saw?"

"No I have not seen Saw."

"Well Saw is this movie where guys plot out a bunch of F'ed up stuff to happen to a person, for the amusement of a few. And the people die at the end."

I say, "Haha no really what's happening? No way in hell a group of people could all be in on something so sinister, let alone a famous actor."

Ray responds, "I'm not just an actor. I'm a member of one of the 33 royal family bloodlines that control the world, hahahahaha!" just as a lighting storm strikes off in the background.

Oh man, really?" I ask, beginning to sweat my situation.

"Haha, no, that's just a stupid internet hoax," Ray says. "I'm actually a reptilian from Planet X!!" proceeding to rip off his face, revealing his true, lizard form.

At this point he points his laser tail at my eye, and well, dear reader, that's where I am now. He says it's punishment for always making up outlandish stories on the internet and I will pay for crying wolf all those times. He says I have to post this on my Facebook page and people must believe me if I want to live, and if anyone reading this doesn't share it with their closest 500 friends in the next 15 seconds, they will all be transferred via stargate to a planet called "Nibiru" where they will live as slaves.

Everyone's eyes have turned a bright green.
I'm beginning to regret my week-long friendship with Igor.
Someone. Please. Send. Help.

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