Sunday, January 26, 2014

Why You Should Build Your Own PC

Some guy in my IT learning class was like, "Why would you buy a gaming computer? Anyone who buys a gaming computer is a fricking stupid. Just build your own, Jesus. That 2,400 dollar rig you're considering purchasing, you could get all the parts for 2,200 bucks. Build it yourself, dude."

Then it hit me, he was right and a genius. Instead of purchasing a new computer in-store like a sucker, I could just spend hundreds of hours learning a new trade.

He even stated I could save another $50 bucks if I used Linux instead of Windows. Linux is just like Windows, except it's free and doesn't work with any programs people want to use. But that too is a positive, because if I needed functionality that wasn't available I could easily create my own programs thanks to the Linux Open Source model.

So I've been applying the same logic to other things. I wanted a new Ferrari but I said screw it, I'll just build my own. There's no way those things are worth half a million dollars, I bet the parts aren't even 50 bucks after tax.

So anyWHO, the last 2 days I've been working on making my own F40 Ferrari. It's been really challenging work. Here's me taking it out on a test spin:

 My homemade Ferrari F40

Yeah my life's sweet, people can't even tell it's not store bought AKA the GMO Ferrari equivalent. Nope. My Ferrari's certified organic. Everything I do has that handcrafted, grass roots, do-it-yourself touch. 

Update 1/7:

First I used my homebuilt computer (lol still makes me giddy to say it!) to make sure my car was street legal. Then it occurred to me what should I do to celebrate? Lightbulb! I've got an idea! I'll drive my fancy new red sports car to a fancy red restaurant called McDonald's.

First I had singled out five Dollar Menu items to buy. But then a panic attack of horror hit me in the drive-thru. Why should I pay for their labor and inflated prices when I could make my own and only pay cost? Needless to say I sped home and used my Do-It-Yourself PC to look it up. 

This is the result of three days of hard work: 

I'm going to admit building my own McDonald's was kind of hard at first, then I got the hang of it. If you ever played with Legos it's the same general concept. It was worth it.

Update 1/12:

Okay eventually I got tired of having it all. My own booming McDonald's franchise and hot, hip, speedy new sports car. It hit me, I had no one to share all of this greatness with.

I sought true love. But all the options of females I found were too expensive and high maintenance. I thought, why deal with the high cost of modern womanhood when I could just build my own? A brand new beautiful woman. So what I did was borrowed some sperm and eggcells from close friends who met specific health and attractiveness profiles.

Here is me making my future wife

Now building my own wife took 5 whole days, but it was worth it. I used an advanced aging process for my lady of course. I just mixed her genes with that disease Robin Williams had in the movie Jack where he aged 10 years in a day or whatever. This was perfect, as it created a 30-year-old female specimen with no emotional baggage, also known as the "Gold Standard" of prospective mates.

Unfortunately, my created dame, because of the advanced aging process, suffers from mild mental retardation. She's also been repeating asking for a family recently, which is likely related to her illness.

I don't know if I'm ready to be a father, sigh.

Update 1/17:

I've received many email requests asking for what my wife looks like. Naturally I should've predicted this interest. Being the Tesla of my time I suppose one must concede to overwhelming public interest in light of my Franken-creation.

Unfortunately, she does not want her name and image on the internet, so I may only provide a censored photograph of the wifey:

My mentally unstable artificial wife

Speaking of the wife, she's insisted on having children.

Luckily for me that coincides with my new needs.

Sure I have a perfect, beautiful wife and a fast, Linux based PC, and a fancy car and a restaurant. But you know what I don't have? Free beef.

So I'm back into science lab and the drawing board and a few days later, I've created an army of sons. They will tend to diary farms to provide the potatoes and livestock and cheese for my McDonald's establishment.

As the old saying goes, Why buy the milkshake when you can create artificial intelligence to harvest your cows for free?

My sons are legion

My sons have been working day and night to ensure my french fries remain FREEdom fries. Good thing I created them restless, without empathy, and loyal to my every demand. All they ask in return is the occasional hotcake.

Update 1/20:

Bad news.

McDonald's has sued me over unlicensed use of their name to run a burger establishment. If I got shut down this could really eat (lol pun intended) into my profit margins. I have terrible luck in life.

It's always something, isn't it?

Update 1/26:

Pay for my own McDonald's franchise license? No way, man. Instead I've opted to build my own shadow government!

Here is a metaphorical depiction of a shadow government:

What I did was create a second government to challenge the first, thus allowing me to create my own laws. So much easier and cheaper than abiding by pre-existing ones! As it gained traction, I became emperor of McDonald's.

Later I decided to overtake our existing government out of boredom. It was pretty easy. Remember, "He who controls food controls the people." All I did was stop serving burgers. Over 1 BILLION went UNSERVED. Stopping production on the world's biggest hot food supply resulted in food riots and the destruction of America as we know it.

Quickly I reached the upper echelon of the global cabal that controls the world by threatening them with my loyal army of semi-robotic artificially intelligent sons who lack empathy. These great arbiters of thought and action all cried and peed before me like a malfunctioning garden hose.

All this only took seven days, counting the last, on which I rested.

Currently I find myself in a position of great affluence, unlimited power, a united family and endless happiness. This is why I highly recommend building your own PC.

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