Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Top 5 Body Disposal Techniques

I was asked to write a Halloween/horror-themed article for another site and I'm re-posting it here. 

Killing someone is an inappropriate and immature thing to do. Some people even find it immoral and hurtful. But let's be fair, accidents happen and fresh starts are necessary. No one would argue against killing an attacker, so it can be moral grey area. There are valid reasons to kill in extreme situations, whether it's self-defense or being cut in line at Subway. In addition to that, non-violent, responsible adults sometimes find themselves in the company of a dead body. Perhaps they were framed, or want to avoid the legal process, or they can't afford grandma's fancy memorial service.

Now, if you're serious about doing things right there are ground rules. The first is to seek help and learn to discern facetious writings from serious advice. Next, you must mar the body's identifiable traits. Face, fingerprints, and tattoos must all be beyond recognition. Think court case. Dental records are common so the teeth have got to be pulverized. I recommend one of those Will It Blend? blenders. If it can blend an iPhone, it can do bone. It's $400, but think of it as an investment. Clean it with some rubbing alcohol and you can use it later for green smoothies. You just got away with murder, may as well turn a second new leaf and start a healthy diet.

5.) Dig a Hole

You've been training for this body disposal technique your whole life. You were once a child digging a hole with a stick in the backyard, and now that innocence is lost and you're burying a dead body. This is the easiest and most cliche technique. It's common because it's simple and effective. All you need is a shovel, some bags, a secluded area and time. If you want to get fancy you can include things like lye and bleach. While effective, however, there's been way too many stories of buried bodies popping up here and there. If you fear a police investigation and search of the scene, there's a second measure you can take, as portrayed in this internet meme:

4.) Wood Chipper

Say you propose to your Jewish girlfriend with a wedding ring made from the leftover skin of your recent circumcision. But what if she takes this display of your unwavering commitment the wrong way? You're going to want an industrial grade wood chipper. Sure, it's going to cost you a pretty penny. There are plenty positives, too. Wood chippers are designed to be portable. No prep work involving the body's identification. Most importantly, the bravado of putting a body through a woodchipper is worth any associated risks.  If you're getting rid of a corpse in this flamboyant a fashion, may as well go all out. Hide in plain sight. Buy a hard hat and an orange vest. Put some generic decals on your truck like you're park ranger. No one questions things so long as they look superficially legitimate. Then feed your fiancĂ© to the bears at Yellowstone.

As seen in Fargo:

3.) Pig Farm

The legal troubles of Tim Lambesis could've been solved for the cost of a hayride. A little field research and dump your ex off at a pig sty like its the thrift shop donation box. That would've saved some time for that alleged crime. The irony is that pigs are the perfect way to conceal a crime from pigs. Pigs are the Golden Corral customers of the animal kingdom who will consume anything compulsively and with haste. The character Brick Top's in Snatch describes a method that is sound and thorough. I won't say more as the clip covers all bases. Entertaining, effective, and dramatic:

2.) Acid Bath

Thorough, beautiful, pure. "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication" spoke Da Vinci. Like blackened out documents from the Vietnam War, like a stain meeting Oxyclean, bodies can go up in smoke, disappear, gone like magic. An acid bath makes you the David Blaine of murder. The basement of the Vatican must have vats full of this stuff.

As picture above, there's certainly homework involved in the process. Get any of it on you and you might be headed to a hospital. What it does best is provide peace of mind. Barrels full of acid can be used to dissolve victims, evidence, and weapons. This isn't a Plan B scenario where you worry for the next six months if a baby's coming. No, this is like an abortion that takes place in the cosmos. It's like strangling Star Child.

1.) Don't Do Anything

Upwards of 40% of homicides go unsolved. Most criminals aren't smart, either, they're lowering the numbers. Easily-solved homicides like murder-suicide also lower the unsolved rate. In big cities getting away with murder has the same odds as a coin toss. There is no safety in numbers. The audacity of indifference is underrated. If don't do anything to the body and say nothing to the police, the odds are with you.

As long as you're playin' for keeps and the law's comin' atcha, 
it's considered ok to shoot all witnesses.

The moment you move a body you're beginning a trail of DNA and then run risks disposing of something that's already disposed of. If you have no record nor motive, your favor increases. Consistent inconsistency is key. Erratic behavior is hard to trace so a cavalier attitude might be the way to go. No one knows the best crimes ever committed 'cause they got away with it.

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