Saturday, April 27, 2013

Top 10 Sociopath Hats for Spring 2013

10. Casino dealer visor

Sure, it's pretty tame for a hat. Only greedy white collar criminals would sport it. Gamblers, cockfighters and drug kingpins, too. The types of guys to wear a wife-beater under a Hawaiian t-shirt with their big sunglasses and thick, graying chest hair. And they rest on lounge chairs poolside at a pricey hotels, checking their golden Rolex as they order a few blonde escorts for later. They overcharge their boss's expense account as they contemplate the early demise of their hero and mentor Jimmy the Greek. No, the sociopaths who wear these hats aren't directly dangerous, but they're indirectly probably the reason you stock shoes for a living.

9. Infowars hat

I was going with NRA but at least they have an intelligent ethos tucked away somewhere. Their position has been usurped by the type of distinct, fringe lunatic that would follow Alex Jones. The only thing worse than a crazy person is a somewhat functioning one. You can at least lead crazy people off a cliff.

Way back when, Greeks created myths to make sense of things they didn't understand. When that was over people created religion as a highly sophisticated nonsense to believe in. Finally we've come to the conspiracy theorist, where people connect the dots of facts as loosely as needed, and confuse correlation with causation, to fit their specific comprehension of the world.

The conspiracy breed are a terrifying bunch, because these people Know it All, except how to define humility. The Infowars brand is on its way to becoming the slogan for trailerpark shootouts and suicide by cop.

8. Boston Bombers Bridgestone golf hat

This once innocent golf hat now has quite a negative connotation. The ominous numbers. The streak once so stylish, now a scar; a mark across the face of America. This is no less a golf hat than it is now a threat to our liberty. The B should stand for ban, as in ban this hat, and subsequently, injustice.

7. Boston Bombers women's basketball team hat

I don't know if a hat of theirs exists, but if they do, you definitely don't want to be seen wearing one of these. Show some damn respect. Imagine the flashbacks and post-traumatic stress disorder one might experience upon reading this hat and being reminded that women's basketball still exists.

6. Chav hat

For those not familiar, chavs are entitled young twats from the United Kingdom. I've been thinking about this recently, and people ages 16-24 are perhaps the most scary demographic. Usually before 16 parents are at least doing the bare minimum to guide their children, and after 24 a human being has the basic understanding of action and consequence. In between those years are the tumultuous trial and error experimentation and rigorous challenge to the human body. The truth slowly unravels that no, you're not invincible.

I'm not afraid of the obvious drug dealer, you cross the street in that scenario. White collar criminals hit with a slow knife, a knife slow enough to be stopped. A blue collar criminal can at least be reasoned with. I'm afraid of the undeveloped brain with nothing to lose that attempts to drag race at every redlight and tries to daterape your family and friends. If you see a man with this hat you hide your wallet, lock your sister in a bathroom, and call the police.

5. Trukfit truck hat

I saw this at a store and was immediately intrigued. First of all, there's that yellow diamond sign like some sort of warning. But, but yet, a truck is on it! Behind it is the violent army imagery of blood and death and fun known as camouflage. It was also next to a hat that said Oklahoma on it, so I couldn't help but imagine Tim McVeigh's stone-face self wearing this in conjunction with his anti-government Sic Semper Tyrannis t-shirt. This just shouts destroyed federal building.

Why does such a hat even exist? A bit of research lead me to find this is the new merchandise brand of world re-known sociopath and rapper Lil' Wayne. The same man who writes romantic lyrics such as, What you talkin' 'bout? Tell it to my nine / Cut your tongue out, mail it to your moms. He also believes he's from another planet. Perhaps most disturbing of all he believes that he can play guitar.

4. The Pope hat

If you're willing to wear this hat in any serious context, there's definitely something wrong with you. The Pope, or as Dan Savage would call him, That Motherfucking Power-Hungry, Self-Aggrandized Bigot in the Stupid Fucking Hat, is a creep beyond compare and his silly hat is like the royal crown of perversity. When he's not condemning condoms for stopping AIDS or bashing homosexuality, he's allegedly fucking his fellow priests, covering up child abuse, and losing his Popehood over it. Now, this would've ranked higher but only one person can wear the Pope hat at a time and the newest replacement Pope hasn't been declared a psychopath yet.

3. Virginia Tech digital camo

This officially sanctioned Vtech hat is no good, man. So after your school becomes synonymous with mass murder, the next logical step is to impose your logo over combative army imagery. But it's not just regular camo, it's digital camo, which rings and resonates with our new modern age of pixels, computer screens, and technology. You know, like the many rounds of Counter Strike: Source Vtec's shooter played through online before trying out his shooting skills in real life. Perhaps that's a forced parallel, but that's what I saw. It's sick. It's disturbing. It's... an oddly beautiful piece of hat.

2. Boonie hat

At number two we got your standard issue militia headgear, the boonie hat. It's a camouflaged fishing hat, more or less, only instead made to hunt humans. This can serve as a blanket entry for all army hats. Fanatical, radical, rightwing? This is your hat. Disgruntled, anti-technology nut? This is your hat. Buying up fertilizer with no prior farming experience? This is your hat. Resident of Waco, Texas? You're right, this hat's for you.

1. Panama hat

I doubt I'll ever make one of these lists again, but without a doubt I can say the Panama hat would make #1 each and every season. Nothing outcreeps, beckons the call of evil, or shuns the smiles of children quite like the Panama hat. It's the one Hannibal Lecter wears at the end of Silence of the Lambs. Above is the photo of Tom Six, The Human Centipede director, sporting a fine example of this abhorrent hat. Between flesh-eaters and drug-smuggling playboys, you're generally in bad company if you see someone wearing this. You see this hat, you turn and don't look back.

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