Saturday, August 13, 2011

Most Violent Video Games: A Helpful Guide For Parents

My Dear Readers,
As you know, I enjoy the company of a son. He's age three or zero or something and the pride of my loving wife. This aside, my girlfriend is an expectant mother currently holding a quintuplet of buns in her fertile oven. This has raised some permeating questions regarding my born and unborn offspring, namely how to raise them. Me and my lovers have agreed television is no way to raise a healthful, moral child, but is the only alternative, video games, really that much better?

Sure, there's less commercials, but all the titles I've seen vouch for violence in one way or the other. Example(s):

Pac-Man pops pills in a drug-addled rage

Pac-Man is perhaps the most violent video game ever made. This fact is glossed over by cute characters who hunt others to the death, but is not a subversive form the violence the worst violence of all? It also tells kids to be gluttons and eat the all the food and fruit you can see. When did the obesity epidemic begin? The same decade Pac-Man was released. It's no coincidence, friends. Sure, one could argue the positive message Pac-Man delivers in that stealing the resources of others will typically end with the ghosts haunting you or ultimately the risk/reward ratio regarding the spoils of war leads to a less than victorious end. But I will argue this is the appeal, the rush that comes with teetering on the edges of death and succumbing to the horror, the horror of the human psyche driven solely by the id and its thirst for power by its fuel of greed. This game is easily a bigger threat to children than the Grand Theft Auto franchise.

RollerCoaster Tycoon was suggested by a friend of the family. Never before had I spit up soup during a formal dinner. You wouldn't think it, but did you know in this medieval, macabre game it's possible for rides to catch fire, break, and even kill guests? Who would willingly expose their kin to this virtual depiction of the apocalypse? The park's guests will also projectile vomit if not given enough benches on which to rest after surfing your self-made, mangled rollercoasters. The term "tycoon" is also unsettling per what it suggests. When it comes to all-time violence, capitalism is the greatest murderer of all.

Now I haven't played it per se, but there's this potentially gruesome game out there called Dogz. This is a warning to all you parents out there. I don't even want to speculate on the filth contained within. What could this game possibly be about? I suspect it contains rabies, animal abuse, dogs chasing children, bestiality and a narration by Michael Vick. Oh, and if you don't feed your dog, consider it dead like a Tamagotchi. Are our children really ready for the harrowing contemplation of their inevitable demise and the accompanying existential angst? May as well strap them in and force them to watch The Seventh Seal. I also hear the story mode contains a pro-fascist subtext, kind of like how the Smurfs were really propaganda for communism. Watch out for this one, concerned parents.

Pong is an easy game to dismiss. Everyone knows it's a metaphor for battered women. Its creator has went on paper stating the ball represents womankind, with the paddles representing her father and lover respectively. The entire game is a call to arms, long, burly, rocky arms of men in the face of innocent women during domestic disputes, that is. Just picture the controller, back then it was a long, phallic stick and a red (the color of violence) action button. Pong favors man's dominance over the opposite gender by means of physical abuse and sexual oppression. If we aim to end the patriarchal reign we must start by burning all remaining copies of this sexist, violence-glamorizing game.
Tetris has had by far the most detrimental effect on social health in society today. For starters, its addictive nature is akin to a heroin high, with teenagers practically needing the Jaws of Life to pry their slimy fingers from the d-pad. Unlike a game that condones drug use, the Super Mario Brothers series, Tetris doesn't share that game's excellent storyline, ultimately meaning your efforts in-game serve no purpose. Tetris reinforces cynicism and pessimism as it is impossible to win, allowing you to only see the remains of your screw ups, never your successes. The reiteration of faults fosters a cycle of self-perpetuating doom. Pessimism: the surest route to violence.

What's the alternative?

Luckily a retail clerk recommended Call of Duty: Modern Warfare just as I was ready to throw in the towel. The game seems innocent enough on the surface, with its GI Joe like championing of our freedom fighters. Quickly, I considered there may be a hidden agenda. I believe this game works an alternate route, indoctrinating kids with an anti-war message. It's the perfect game with its non-violent stance hardline enough to make Gandhi blush. It's against army recruitment, as why would a kid want to go all the way to war when he could do it from his living room? It appears to have educational value as well with its study of submarines, high technology, geography and the unequivocal truth that death results in respawn (or, "reincarnation"). This is the game to keep your kids glued to for 8-12 hours a day. Plus the bullets are blanks.

Knowledge is power,
Concerned Father


  1. This is completely backwards. You said the most violent game is not violent, and the least violent games are vilolent. PONG IS JUST A WHITE SQUARE AND TWO STICKS! I mean come on.... And Pac Man does not eat drugs he eats small fruit flavored candy. And Mario does not takes drugs, they are called power ups, and no this does not mean that they give you aburst of energy like drugs. Call of Duty is very addictive and dangerous. People are killing eachother, and they are cussing sometimes. PLUS, online play can cause predators to be able and find children. Hmph...the audacity of this....your poor children are not able to play the classics from the 80's. Without them you would not have Call of Duty stuff. Zero Stars! This is the worst thing ever!