Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Proof astrology is real (and that Pisces are the worst)

Astrology is real, even interesting, so long as you're not confusing uncanny coincidences with supernatural truths. My main assumption works similarly to Russell's Teapot, which claims that if a teapot was said to be orbiting the Sun was affirmed in ancient books, and taught as sacred truth on Sunday, you'd be a nut not to believe it. If something's taught enough it becomes a kind of truth.

Things don't have to be real to be true. Myths, metaphors, and movies are all testaments to that fact. Astrology may have some practical applications. It coats itself superficially with supernatural elements, allowing its effective use with the opposite sex as an intriguing conversation starter. Mix phony, other-worldly b.s. with even the faintest amount of sexual chemistry, and you're sure to spark the suspension of disbelief needed to overcome each others vast differences and the reality of society's self-destructive downward spiral, at least until you've made it into the bedroom. If there's a more logical and universally sound notion than lying to get laid, such information has escaped my most keen eye.

As suggested by a friend, an answer could be in seasons rather than the stars. It's often stated the first three years of an infant's life are the most crucial for development. It's not beyond reason to assume a baby born amid the cold of winter might be more comfortable sheltered indoors; a baby born in the decay of fall more pessimistic; or one born in spring more upbeat; or one born in the sweltering heat of summer more adventurous. Nor is it beyond reason to suggest correlations stemming from conception. Quiet couples could be more inclined to copulate in depressing cold, while rowdier lovers may prefer the beach. Both could create children with corresponding attitudes to their own, while also carrying traits from the season of their birth. And so the cycle forms into distinguishable patterns.

There's another point to be made in the power of a symbol itself. In Banksy's great "Exit Through the Giftshop," this idea is explored by Shepard Fairey. Fairey famously created a now instantly recognizable logo featuring Andre the Giant's face with the word "obey" printed boldly beneath it. It began as an inside joke, where he spammed the slogan in the form of stickers and posters anywhere he could. As the population of plastered depictions grew so did its perceived importance, creating curiosity in the symbol, which in turn granted it actual purpose and power.

The signs of the zodiac must work in similar fashion. Throughout centuries, it's plausible certain characteristics can be trained, in line with what astrology teaches, to a point where it becomes self-perpetuating. A Mother tells a child the stars dictate he is creative as a Cancer, the kid ponders it a bit, and concludes, "Well, I do have a very creative quality to me," then pursues a more creative approach in school or work. Having solidified some truth, he passes his belief on to some peers. In this way, the perceived importance of a myth can flower into reality.

Most interesting, though, is the way it can spread subliminally through abstract channels. Say the aforementioned characteristics show through in art and design. Say a self-centered Leo musician forges his craft in a way indicative of said showiness, or a quirky Aquarius outfits her restaurant in an equally odd decor. At some point, the tell-tale attributes comprising specific zodiac signs would blend together and could appear more than merely coincidental. Its reaches could then influence indefinitely, either directly or by sinking into your subconscious.

Brazil saved itself from its inflation and currency crisis with the aid of a virtual currency called "Unit of Real Value (URV)." The URV price was paired with the price of the dollar, and became the standard used for pay wages. What changed was the old currency of Cruzeiros, which was let to fluctuate under a said amount of the new virtual currency. URVs allowed prices to stay, or seem like they stopped moving sporadically, that along with the country's effort to end money-printing, eventually stabilized their monetary system and let their economy thrive. Once the storm settled, the URV replaced the Cruzeiro. This virtual money's implementation into an active economy demonstrates the very real method a powerful symbol can influence, and is a pitch-perfect analogy for explaining how astrology is real.

The most effective yet obvious fault to find with astrology is its writings and horoscopes with vague assertions. As accurate as a fortune cookie, these predictions give way for the possibility of about, well, anything under the stars. Rarely does one not fit certain commonplace traits like rooted compassion, creative inclinations, emotional inconsistencies, mysterious behavior, questionable motives, selfishness and a general overlapping of all the facets that make up our people.

"Everything that people talk about with regard to magic is all absolutely true as long as you understand that it is happening inside peoples' minds, and it struck me that that must be what magic is," claims Alan Moore, famous for his graphic novels. The overall topic is interesting to consider, and unlike comic book heroes, the mythology has some sort of direct, palpable impact on our living world. Hopefully this has proven a sound method in describing the way the realm works. Despite the zodiac's telling, very real nature, I will use the psychic ability bestowed upon me by the planets to predict you'll still sleep soundly.

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The b-side: Real world evidence

I belong to the celestial group of shitheads known as Pisces. We're pessimistic, self-pitying, and substance-abusing, making this criticism all the more warranted. Although we're in the Age of Pisces, we're at the absolute bottom of the calender, and the body part governed by Pisces is the feet — the jokes write themselves. Hopefully the following evidence will forever remove doubt the zodiac isn't somewhat accurate and provide much-needed rest for anyone still on the fence.

To fully grasp the wealth of Pisces' stellar trash one need look no further than the plethora of wormy celebrities and living jokes parading under its Sun.

Low-rent Pisces celebrities:

Ja Rule, D.L. Hughley, Queen Latifah, Flava Flav, Erik Estrata, the passive sidekick from House, Lil Bow Wow, Kurt Cobain, Johnny Knoxville, Billy Zane, Michael Bolton, Jon Bon Jovi, Glenn Close, Joel and Benji from Good Charlotte, Tom Arnold, Johnny Cash (a couple decent albums negated by 40 irrelevant ones), Billy Crystal, James Taylor, Justin Beiber, Shaq, Steve Jobs, Chelsea Handler, Holly Hunter, Alan Greenspan, Charles Barkley, Billy Corgan, Tony Robbins, Ellen Page, Elias Koteas, French Stewart, James Van Der Beek, Gilbert Gottfried, Ron Jeremy, Aziz Ansari, Common, Dane Cook, Mark McGrath, Wanda Sykes, Coldplay twat Chris Martin, Chester Bennington, the Dad from Step By Step, Maroon 5's singer, Fabio, Carrot Top, Chuck Norris, BTK and Osama Bin Laden.

It reads like a list of my unmet mortal enemies. To counterpoint, there are a few gems on the roster: Einstein, Michaelangelo, Jon Hamm, Daniel Craig, Mike Rowe, Kurt Russell, Bruce Willis and myself. Still, the cool cats per capita is lower than most any other sign. No James Dean, no Marlon Brando, no Nikola Telsa, no Nick Cave, no Leonard Cohen, no Ted Bundy, no Joseph Stalin. No one certifiably cool.

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