Monday, January 13, 2014

Definitive Scientific List of Best and Worst NFL Teams

1. Chicago Bears

You can't mess with the Bears, gentlemen. Arbitrary birth location dictates I must like them, that's reason enough. I mean football is arbitrary defined, you play with balls and pigskins in mankind's greatest ode to ignorance.

The Bears are America's team. John Goodman in Roseanne, Chris Farley's infamous SNL bit. The Superbowl Shuffle lineup with McMahon, Walter Payton, Fridge, etc. We're talking about the '85 Bears, a team that needs no introduction.

It gets better. The Bears eventually became the Bad News Bears and we suck so much and still no one gives a flying shite. You know why? We're just out there to have fun so we're the class clowns of the National Football League. We're such nice guys, we let other teams win. That's class.

Furthermore, our division rivalry of deep seated hatred against the Packers runs so deep Chicago decided to attack the cheesehead hats with cheesegrater hats. Dedication.

2. Denver Broncos

I'll admit their logo of a tough ass bronco is made kinda soft doing that weird twist, it belongs in Cirque du Soleil. But forget all that, Denver's a solid city, that's why you can smoke otherwise illegal drugs there. They built a city in the middle of nothing and made it work. Also I like the color orange when done right.

3. Atlanta Falcons

Even if I wanted to like Atlanta too many rappers dig 'em and that would make me feel insecure about wearing their sports cap because of my insufficient cool quota. But hey, these guys have among the best colors, uniform and logo. Black, what's not to like?

Only the absurdly cool rock Falcon wear...

4. Cincinnati Bengals

Cincy is such a shitty city they don't deserve their own team, yet somehow they persevered. I like that. Also I don't know what a Bengal is but something something tiger helmet. Ohio teams have such a shitty history of miserable failure I'm rooting for them.

5. Indianapolis Colts 

Nice jerseys, horse shoe, McMahon, Manning. They're close to IL without being in the same division so that helps.

Plus Lucas Oil Stadium is a neat name for a stadium. It's industrial. Who is Lucas? Lucas is one of those fringe popular names. Lucas can never be a guy that fits in. Lucas is a goth and a hacker and this guy managed to not only to build an oil empire, but also bought a stadium. So he started off painting his finger nails black then graduated to dirtying them black with oil. Impressive, Lucas.

6. New Orleans Saints

Speaking of oil aka black gold my forth pick is the Saints. You know why, you know fucking why? The Lousiana Superdome is easily the coolest sound stadium in all of sports. It sounds like a place where miracles happen, read: Saints.

Also, football is a sport where comebacks are the best shit and Hail Marys are the most bomb ass move possible, therefore Saints is pretty much a perfect name for a team. Also, neat emblem. It's all about the neat emblem, guy.

7. San Francisco 49ers 

The 49ers. Is this a football team or a frickin' history lesson? It's both. They honor heritage and tradition. They came for gold, they conquered, they created the golden city. Mining shafts and moving west are the keys to the American spirit. Also they're good at football or something.

8. Green Bay Packers

They're just so fun to loathe I love them. Unfortunately they're the Bears mortal enemy. Aaron Rodgers is likeable, and Farve was the most fun to hate QB of all time. But seriously you smalltown annoying cheesehead fat fans, I'm surprised that stadium hasn't collapsed under your weight like the house of cards that is shitty Vince Lombardi's stupid legacy.

9. Arizona Cardinals

They're hot right now so I'm going to bandwagon and pretend to like them while the getting's good. Also the Grand Canyon or something.

10. Oakland Raiders 

Lovable losers. Their fans enjoy them through thick and thin. And it's mostly thin. That's admirable.

Uh, what the fuck is that

11. Kansas City Chiefs

Everything about Kansas is tacky so the fact that they have uniforms that look like a McDonald's ketchup packet makes me respect them.

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The uniforms look post-apocalyptic. Like once on-field murder becomes part of the game and sponsored by Coca-Cola and for profit prison systems, this is what they will wear. I like that it's future-proof like that. Soon enough football will be literally severing your opponents foot and throwing it, and the Bucs will be ahead of the curve.

13. Detroit Lions

They beat the Bears sometimes.

14. Minnesota Vikings

They beat the Bears sometimes and the color purple is stupid and so is the Mall of America. Also their Jersey's remind me of The Color Purple, a movie I haven't seen but Oprah's in it, so.

15. New York Giants

Your uniforms have no indication of being Giant. Giant what, then? Giant Douchebags? Put Paul Bunyan on your uniform and I'll love you otherwise, fuck off.

16. North Carolina Panthers

Most mediocre team award.

17. Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys suck with their stupid patriotic uniforms, and really liking sports teams is pointless and arbitrary, so.

18. Buffalo Bills

Buffaloes are a great animal. But they're not blue, nor do they shoot out red lasers like on your emblem so I must reckon your team is equally retarded. More perplexing still, what's the purpose of shooting lasers out of your eyes backward?

Buffaloes do not shoot lasers

19. St. Louis Rams

I had to Google NFL team names to even remember they existed.

20. Baltimore Ravens

Addon teams always feel corny. We all know the only thing that inspires football teams these days are rich owners of cellular services deciding they need more revenue steams. If they were called the Cheyenne Cash-Ins or the Missoula Moneygrabs I would get behind them.

21. San Diego Chargers

I would like them better as the San Diego AC Adapters.

22. New York Jets 

You guys couldn't even pay someone to design a jet plane for your logo. Get lost.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

Another addon team forever destined to suck. Except at least the Ravens up there won one. Also your mascot is the most retarded looking thing I've ever seen.

Seriously how fricking stupid is this?

24. Cleveland Browns 

Okay, you don't have a logo? Someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with the state of Ohio. Broken economy, your flag is irregular in shape. You literally got your flag at a discount for being irregular and you can't even afford a logo for your football team?

25. Washington D.C. Redskins

They play dirty just like the politics or that area, bunch of savages. Also you stole this land from the natives with genocide and rape and you name your capitol's team the redskins? Get it together.

26. Pittsburgh Steelers

Really? What's a "steeler" exactly? Yeah you make steel, you also make up shitty words. Screw PA entirely. PS a state doesn't need two teams.

27. Miami Dolphins

A dolphin, teal blue, and pale orange? That's like the holy trinity of pussy. I don't see how even a lame ostentatious city like Miami could get behind them. You can be sissies but don't try to hide it. Rename yourself the Miami Strapons and you'll make my top ten.

28. Tennessee Titans

Stupid name change. I mean if you change your location, and your team name, doesn't that basically make you another expansion? Also your logo is the most ugly, generic thing I've ever seen. Basically outside of the Colts you could blow up the entire AFC-South and no one would bat an eye.

29. Houston Texans

Expansion team, hideous pseudo-patriotic logo. Their fucking name is the Texans for Christs sake. The Houston Texans. We know you're Texans, hence the Houston part. Yeah dude, the Seattle Washingtonians are superb this year! No one will ever care about this team, even their owners. That's why they had a 2-14 season.

30. New England Patriots

Gillette Stadium? Sketchy, sponsored, corporate. But you're Patriots so I do like the touch of red gloves symbolic of the blood on your hands. Go do another Spygate you cheap fucks.

This team exemplifies dullness. From the uniforms, to the stadium, to the fans. To Tom Brady, that despite three Superbowl rings and a supermodel wife, can't crack a smile or exhibit an ounce of personable behavior.

P.S. What asshole tries to pick a whole region as their city? Yeah, guys, We're the Universe Bears. We're the Riders at Lightspeed Through Infinite Hyperspace Packers. Get out.

31. Philadelphia Eagles

Bunch of cunt fans that celebrate when some other team is brutally inured. Stop Superbowl-fiending. It's never going to happen. Because you're assholes.

Bunch of sore-twatted nobodies

32. Seattle Seahawks

Okay, Seattle has taken over my bottom spot. Hysterical shithead Pete Carrol and his PEDed up brain bobbleheading up and down the sideline is too much. The most atrocious, bandwagon fans of all-time in their acoustically-manipulated-to-sound-louder stadium. The "12th Man." Russell Wilson's lack of personality and blank stare. The giant stick inside Richard Sherman. Aside from that, I will say your uniforms have just the right amount of lime green.

There is such a thing as trying too hard

Final word

Football is stupid.

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