Saturday, October 17, 2009

Describe your ideal life

In deep space, I inhabit a huge spaceship. So large, in fact, that I am able to ride through it at top speed with the red motorcycle from Akira. My spaceship also contains a smaller spaceship inside to get from place to place. My body is that of shape-shifting Shang Tsung. Sonya Blade stays in my interstellar spacecraft against her will. She would plot to kill me, but as a woman she can't fly the thing, and doesn't have the passcode to the vending machine. The vending machines produce, package, and sell their own 3D-Doritos — which look pretty cool when floating in zero gravity.

The vessel is climate controlled, and set around my specific physical attributes to work as an anti-aging mechanism. Two loyal robots named Biggs and Wedge serve me breakfast, nurse me if ill, and provide repairs for the ship. My ship is called "Yggdrasil Serenity Highwind." I wear a light-weight, robotic diaper that absorbs and disintegrates pee and poop, washes my junk, and nourishes my balls with Febreze. Most my time is spent in a library, where I can levitate, meditate, and read virtually any book ever made.

The control center includes a large window about the size of a theater screen from which to view space. It can be closed with a shade that doubles as a wall for a gigantic projection screen, that displays every episode of Tales From the Crypt and also plays Wii. My shower — which I rarely use — has 13 unique and sexy Realdolls chained to the ceiling. Ms. Blade is made to clean their anal cavities, even though Biggs is programmed to do it. After a couple centuries, I eventually win Sonya over as my princess, despite repeated molestation. One night by chance, we stumble upon God. Upon killing him with a laser that shoots black holes, our reward is a machine that makes perfect, fat and animal-free nachos with jalapeƱos.

1 comment:

  1. My ideal life would be resting on a Lazyboy made of titties in my mansion on Saturn, smoking opium out of a baby's skull, killing a million people a day, and have Nancy Pelosi eat my asshole on national TV.