Thursday, March 19, 2009

Remember switchblade combs?

I love switchblade combs. They're cool and stylish; violent and lighthearted. They're half Fonzie, and half The Fonz. Even the yellow box they come in is cool. All my old ones broke. I'd consider buying another, but I'm sort of against owning a lot of stuff.

I take it they would make a good real world weapon. Say some punk kid is starting trouble with you. What do you do? Pull out the switchblade comb and let him see it. You've officially taken this sl*p to the next level. Now what? He runs off. Or, he may pull out his weapon. Then, just flip the fucker open. Your enemy will either be confused or amused, especially once you start combing your hair. Battle won. Best of all it's legal to carry.

The only weapon I personally carry is a non-functioning Nintendo DS Lite to close on the fingers of potential attackers. I call it The Snapper / Crab-Hand (patent pending). The best defense — like the best revenge — is living well. Nothing is more striking than a smile's sparkling enamel to cause your potential attackers' heart rate, jaw, and weapon to drop.

Competing with the switchblade comb in terms of gimmicky coolness is probably only the hologram keychain. How do they do it, man? And, how are they not worth more than gold? They should be on engagement rings. Sadly, that rhino was the straightest one I could find that went well with this layout. Well, I should probably go look for legitimate work or something.

1 comment:

  1. I fled Hong Kong after killing a man with the Crab Hand ®. The rest of my deadly arsenal consists of a lazy eye, halitosis, and the AIDS.