Sunday, April 29, 2018

Free Weights vs. Machines: The Ultimate Guide

There is a rift in the weightlifting community. Since the collective brain-matter of the bottom 97% of enthusiastic lifters is about 143 to 144 ounces, the issue has become one of much ill-informed debate. It is the matter of free weights vs. machines. And I’m here to tell you, only pussies champion free weights.

Now, any rationally inclined gym-rat would say of the matter: do whatever workout you feel comfortable with that gets you to the gym. That’s the hardest part of any difficult activity: getting out of the car, getting on the treadmill. But as such, the protein shake-addled brain has a relationship with logic like Sisyphus does with that rock. It ain’t goin’ nowhere.

Free weights are for tedious tribalists competing in a battle of oneupsmanship against similarly dull-minded individuals. They egg each other on to gain muscle mass to further build brain muscles to constrict the painful thought-processes in their heads suggesting they may be wrong about something, or considering an easier logical alternative.

So they compete in a more dangerous method of lifting to prove their manliness as measured by who can dead-lift the most weight, and wager the top performer will get to bang Kelly the Towel Girl. It’s not going to happen, and may be simply an excuse to have a squatters crotch near their face. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that except to say just be honest about it.

These people compete with their free weights, like watching Nascar, secretly hoping for a game-ending injury. “Did that 550lb. barbell just fall on your chest? I’m Top Dawg now,” they’re commonly known to say. Even the injuries they brag about. When doing squats it’s common for lifters to suffer a prolapse, and go, “Wow, look at that, 13 centimeters extended!” and never long for another lifter to say, “That’s nothing! I prolapsed 27 centimeters last winter!” before reaching to his phone to show him the photo on Instagram.

Free weight lifters are arguably the biggest pussies on earth. Sure, it’s tough to lift 400 pounds, because there is nothing in our genetic history that involved this idiotic task. So, you do these risky stunts to impress other dudes because deep down inside you really don’t want to be there for your daughters birthday party. “Where’s daddy?” she asks in a solemn voice. A mother, distressed, must tell her the truth. You are in your thirties but succumb to peer pressure like it’s a bathroom cigarette in eighth grade. Real men, they don’t run from responsibility. Real men, real men use weight machines.

Machines are the way forward on the planet earth. Everyone knows it, but who dares admit it? What is an automobile if not an exoskeleton? What is a cellphone if not an exoskeleton for the mind, compartmentalizing it and informing it and making it easier to articulate thoughts?

Machines are the way of human progress. People argue for free weights by saying, you can never work the proper amount of muscles you get by balancing free weights vs. machines. You’re forgetting there’s machines for everything now, and machines also allow for an all-around balance of lifting power, start-to-finish during your routine. Could you look at two lifters, one of each type and tell the difference? No. You could measure them against different exercises, but you’re forgetting the convenience and time-saving machines can potentially provide. With this extra time, you can work those muscles in realistic, real-world scenarios such as dressing up as a bat and fighting crime. Tell me free weights can cover nearly a robust set of muscles as that and I’ll call you a fucking liar.

Machines mainstream our basic physical needs to empower us in the real world. Sure, the world’s best bodies, intelligently, use a mix of both free weights and machines for the best advantage. Is that your percentile? Is that what you’re going for? Or are you some sad dick holding a Larabar in one hand and mediocre ideology in your head. Machines move society forward, not this, “I’ll churn my butter by hand!” bullshit. With travel, farming methods, the safety of shelter, and even our bodies, machines make everything better.

I really kinda doubt if you don’t work out that elbow-muscle no one needs or knows the name of shit is going to hit the fan. Free weighters are a hierarchy of try-hards trying to seem tough. Then they complain their flux capacitor muscle is broken and they’re out of the game for 18 weeks when they had a safe alternative that was easy to adjust. Machines are perfection. Science. They will lead us to becoming the √úbermensch. They will only improve.

If working obscure, secret hidden muscles really was your task, you’d become Nathan Drake and start swinging from vines and work as a navy seal on the side. Let it be clear now and forever more: free weights are for gullible, peer group-grovelers and sissies too scared to spend time with their daughters.

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