Friday, March 22, 2013

The Objective Best Quotes of All-Time That Ever Existed

These are a bunch of quotes that I like. There's about 50.

The one unforgivable sin is to be boring.
- Anonymous

Let me tell you the truth. The truth is "what is," and "what should be" is a fantasy, a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.
- Lenny Bruce

We exist in a bizarre combination of Stone Age emotions, medieval beliefs, and god-like technology.
- Edward O. Wilson

The crisis we are facing today arises from the fact that there is almost no more social, cultural, natural, and spiritual capital left to convert into money.
- Charles Eisenstein

An old definition of a gentleman: someone who is never rude except on purpose.
- Christopher Hitchens
It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
- Jiddu Krishnamurti

If you're going to break new ground, you are almost by definition unqualified to do so.
- James Watson (Paraphrased)

(full quote: To make a huge success, a scientist must be prepared to get into deep trouble. Sometime or another, someone will tell you that you are not ready to do something. … If you are going to make a big jump in science, you will very likely be unqualified to succeed by definition. The truth, however, won't save you from criticism. Your very willingness to take on a very big goal will offend some people who will think that you are too big for your britches and crazy to boot.)

One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.
- Bertrand Russell

Hell, I even thought I was dead, 'til I found out it was just that I was in Nebraska.
- Little Bill Daggett

Tonight, most people will be welcomed home by jumping dogs and squealing kids. Their spouses will ask about their day, and tonight, they’ll sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places; and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest, will be my wingtip, passing over.
- Up in the Air

Oh yeah, justice is done. Well, not actual justice. But what I wanted to happen. Which is basically the same thing.
- Jez, Peep Show

The bible should be one sheet of paper. And on that sheet of paper, it should say, "Try not to be a cunt." And if you do that every day, you'll be a good person.
- Jim Jefferies

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
- Bill Burr

Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.
- Lenny Bruce

People come up to you and say, "Oh man, that's the scariest thing in the world what you do, talk in front of people." It's not scary to me. Your job is scary to me, fucking selling shoes in the mall for 30 years only to have the place go out of business.
- Doug Stanhope

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'
- Anthony Jeselnik

Ever think earth is punishment for some shit you did in another solar system? I got fucked up, they took away my spaceship, confiscated my raygun, they Men in Blacked me, now I can't remember anything. Just doomed to walk around in and out of TGIFriday's with this emptiness I can't quite put my finger on.
- Bill Burr

That's the beauty of argument. If you argue correctly, you're never wrong.
- Thank You for Smoking

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

Life doesn't give a fuck if you don't get the girl, it doesn't give a fuck if you become homeless. That whole guardian angel horseshit that this little Tinkerbell on your shoulder trying to guide you, it's bullshit. It's on you. And I know that can be overwhelming but it's a powerful way of looking at your life. You have the control to make it good or bad.
- Bill Burr

That little bit of sadness in the mornings you spoke of, I think I know what that is. Perhaps you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.
- Unbreakable

Behaving morally because of a hope of reward or a fear of punishment is not morality.
- Penn Jillette

Look, son, being a good shot and being quick with the pistol, that don't do no harm, but it don't mean much next to being cool-headed. A man who'll keep his head, not get rattled under fire, like as not, he'll kill you.
- Little Bill Daggett

More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.
- Truman Capote

Fuck all of you and fuck the Liberty Bell.
- Bill Burr

Anything of any value in our lives, whether that be a career, a work of art, a relationship, will always start with such a leap. And in order to be able to make it you have to put aside the fear of failing and the desire of succeeding. You have to do these things completely purely without fear, without desire. Because things that we do without lust or result are the purest actions that we shall ever take.
- Alan Moore

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.
- Louis CK

The moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible.
- Salman Rushdie

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. It's bullshit. People are not crazy, they're strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.
- Dave Chappelle

The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.
- John Curran

Cause you're so fucking smart cause you went to college until you were 35, and now you're 900 grand in debt and you're looking up people's assholes. Really, that was your game plan?
- Bill Burr on doctors

Shoot him again. His soul is still dancing.
- Port of Call New Orleans

Weakness is a great thing, and strength is nothing. When a man is just born, he is weak and flexible. When he dies, he is hard and insensitive. When a tree is growing, it's tender and pliant. But when it's dry and hard, it dies. Hardness and strength are death's companions. Pliancy and weakness are expressions of the freshness of being. Because what has hardened will never win. - Andrei Tarkovsky, Stalker

I was expelled from a meeting of Latter Day Saints. She was a Mormon doing a tour. She said in the afterlife, all families will be reunited and you'll be with your families forever. So I put my hand up and said, "What happens if you've been good?" - Stephen Fry

I do what I want to do. And I'm going to do that until the day I die. And if I can't do that, then I'll just die. - Lil Wayne, philosopher

You can slow time down by traveling. That month from Shringar to the Taj Mahal is like a year in my life currently. Really, time is a measure of change, in a vacuum time doesn't exist because nothing's changing. If you can pack your life full of interesting changes you stretch it out. So if you want to live longer, have a really interesting life. - Dr. Christopher Ryan

The worst thing you could call someone is motherfucker. Another word for motherfucker is dad. - Louis CK

In the past few months I’ve become religious. I’ve started to believe in god, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in god and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don’t think that just could’ve evolved by chance. Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by god to test us, like fossils. And facts. - Stewart Lee

Patrice O'Neal: You tell me why I shouldn't call you a bitch, bitch.
Female caller: Well, for one thing, you don't know who I am.
Patrice O'Neal: Which is all the better to call you a bitch, I don't even know you.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. - Jon Stewart

Americans don't understand irony? I am an intelligent person living in the United States. My entire existence is ironic. - Marc Maron

That whole 99% thing, they are all in the 1% of the world. Every one of them pays a cellphone bill that is the yearly income for a family in much of the rest of the world. - Penn Jillette

The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a construction site. - Warren Farrell

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves. - Homer Simpson

I think most generations tend to learn the lesson of war the hard way. There is a deep attraction to the empowerment. Freud is right: societies either become locked in a collective embrace of Eros, as individuals do, or a collective embrace of Thanatos, the death instinct. They swing between the two. The notion that societies are naturally prone toward self-preservation is wrong. Self-annihilation can be deeply addictive, intoxicating, enticing. So I take a darker view of human nature, that war is probably always going to be with us. I think history bears me out. - Chris Hedges

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing. - Louis CK

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See? - Louis CK

There's the anti-intellectual movement in society and I don't blame them entirely for feeling that way because we all know people, I have many colleagues where you try to hang out with them and they make you feel bad for not knowing what they know. If that's how you interact with people, why would anyone want to be that. - Neil Degrasse Tyson

There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity. - Eddie Izzard

Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. - Jon Stewart on gun control

If you can charm everyone it means you don't care about anyone in particular. - Christopher Hitchens

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. - Eleanor Roosevelt

I have to say, as much I am respectful of people's faith and the idea of it being necessary for them, but when it comes to the Catholic church as an organization I don't have one scintilla of compassion, understanding, anything. I just think they're the most heinous, corrupt, separatingly vile organization that's ever been on the planet. - Dylan Moran

Charm, likeability and love, that's my vagina. And I'm willing to give it freely. I'm a hoe with my charm. - Patrice O'Neal

The best advice I've ever heard or came up with is that, live your life like you're the hero in your movie. And right now the movie starts and your life is a shitbag disaster like every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he wakes up and makes a blender full of pizza and ice cream. Those guys where they're on the brink and they put the gun in their mouth and they put it down because they see a photo of their daughter. Pretend that's you. Pretend that you're in the part of the movie that starts and it shows you as a fucking loser, and decide not to be a loser anymore. - Joe Rogan

Women don't want to win, they want a winner. - Patrice O'Neal

An Oregon survey found that panhandlers outside of WalMart were making more than the employees working inside. - Reddit user

There should be a war on sociopaths. I feel like I've traveled enough. People are pretty chill. And then there's always that one fucking maniac. It even starts like in college where you have a group project, there's always that one maniac that wants to pour salt in the fields and rape the women and they're salivating. That guy moves up in the corporation cause they'll pour shit in the drinking water. Fuck yeah, corner office? I'm on it. - Bill Burr

With prohibition looming on the horizon, protesters swarmed the parliament building armed with Supersoakers filled with psychedelic mushroom spores, which they used to spray the surrounding parks and lawns. - VICE

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying. - Dave Attell

They say war is a continuation of politics by other means. Politics are a continuation of economics by other means. - Michael C. Ruppert

To get an air rifle in Japan, an air rifle, you have to pass two classes, a written exam, a mental test, a drug test and a background check. - Dan Savage

The man that hath no music in himself, Nor is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds, Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils; The motions of his spirit are dull as night, And his affections dark as Erebus: Let no such man be trusted. - Shakespeare

Our system doesn't work, and it doesn't work, ultimately, not because of Sarah Palin, or the christian right, or Glenn Beck. It doesn't work because the liberal class failed us. The liberal class failed to find the intellectual and moral fortitude to defend liberal values at a time that they were under egregious assault. - Chris Hedges

I have an ex girlfriend that I had sex with while she had a restraining order against me. It's supposed to keep you away from the girl, I don't know how far, but I'm pretty sure it's more than negative 5.9 inches. - Drew Michael

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