Saturday, November 24, 2012

On the subject of phones:

I don't want to own one no more. A phone plan, that is. Is it really necessary in this modern age? Any person without two feet in the grave already has a smartphone and a wifi signal at home. Every major city contains wifi hotspots and unsecured networks everywhere. VoIP is free. We were using payphones ten years ago. Is it too much to ask to stand still while making a phone call instead of a walk 'n' talk through oncoming traffic? Is an email not immediate enough? Come on, you're paying for daytime minutes so your friend can call you on the fly and say, "Hey man, can you bring me some Spider-Man themed Poptarts while you're out?" Come on, you're paying for minutes for an emergency like your dad gets run over so you can visit him at the hospital and catch his dying, gasping breath because that would be significant, how? Is that how you want to remember your dad, weak and dying? No, you want to remember him as the glorious tyrant he was growing up. There's no reason for a cellular plan, but as an added bonus, not owning a phone also engages my favorite activity: being difficult. Rebelling against the status quo like James Dean, every unused minute is another one to spend learning to swing a butterfly knife or how to cheat at cards. Come on, gang, if Christopher Nolan can get by without one, you can, too. You'll get to seem mysterious while having a valid reason for not calling back your love interests. Everyone undeserving of an immediate firing squad only has two friends at max anyway. Sort it out with them, use Skype. Say your life's too busy and interesting for the trivialities of cellular technologies as you go geocaching for someone's stashed free prize iPad. Plus it's a way to get off the grid. That's what I'm going to do. Fuck Julian Assange. I'm just going to switch to a Windows phone for privacy concerns, because not even Microsoft employees know how to use Microsoft software. They'll be the only phones getting a blue screen of death at the Skynet Center in Utah. So not only are you more prepared for the inevitable global enslavement and impending apocalypse, without a phone, you're also saving for it.

Posted from my Pip-Boy

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