Thursday, April 14, 2011

Looking for love on Craigslist #9

This one's a more serious attempt.

An honest appeal to an impossibly clever female. m4w

It's tough being honest, but ultimately worthwhile, so I'm going to be straight-forward here and do a Craigslist personal ad without lies or exaggeration. I am a reincarnated Cary Grant. My soul is more tortured and perverse than Marlon Brando's in Last Tango in Paris. Despite these exemplary qualities I remain unemployed, as the current system of government has an inherit bias against the Gifted.

My general indifference only halts in the name of artistic endeavors, whether by writing, direction, or drinking addiction. My face is funny, child-looking, and pudgy as a cabbage patch kid. My eyes have been called enormous and beautiful. So you know, these words do little for me, but they might for you. I have large, feminine eyelashes to match my similar inner sensitivity. I'm 5% overweight but that can be lost once we start fucking. Despite my online demeanor, I'm relatively pleasant in person. Although a bit of creep and a loser, so are Thom Yorke and Beck, so why don't you kill me?

I am a gem and kept real to such a maximum, most won't tell if I'm kidding. My lack of lies comes at a penalty: an honestly unrelenting to the point of contention. As an undiscovered, apathetic alpha male, you must do as I say sexually or otherwise. This could mean experiments involving your armpits, whipped topping, or a stranger off the streets. Any hesitation and you'll have to go, excluding Virgos or Scorpios since by default we're compatible. Bookworms preferred, but not pansy Potter fans, the smart ones who read to scapegoat sexual repression. I am not hip in any sense, instead inclined to enjoy square things like belittling others and being alone. In bed I prefer to cuddle, but may require once a month you tie me to the ceiling, and whip me with industrial strength chains while requesting that I reconcile with my Mother.

I am an antagonist, a contrarian, and a troll of the soul. I play the devil's advocate only as it's the most effective way to get to the bottom of something. If you're uptight, you'll unwind with a recklessly organized room. If you're terse or serious, I'll psychologically molest you until too timid to be frigid. If you're yuppie I'll Robin Hood your riches and take your father's mutton. If you're a feminist, I'll spank you into submission, force you to do dishes in no clothes, and order you by the tug of ear to perform fellatio. If you're laidback, that's alright.

You must reply to this email with an AOL screen name, or Skype, or Steam. A photo of your visage or vulva would help, but nothing catches my eye like a clever line. You should be willing to travel out of the city to visit. Some cuteness required. Less shaven preferred. Low financing. Charm and subtlety mandatory. Burn victims welcome. Short hair wins my heart. Anal curiosity a plus. Offer subject to change.

What's in it for you? You'll grow. Without the bullshit preconceived notions regarding romantic conquest, you'll be able to intelligently approach others with reassured confidence. My wealth of knowledge in humility and social etiquette will serve as a mirror for what propriety should be. My eye for the obscure will gain you insight into what you are, desire and prefer. Without the restraints of mindgames, the loopholes in relationships, and general deception, you'll learn your fellow man's most valuable lesson: friendship is worthwhile even for a fleeting moment. Why? In the infinite wisdom of Tommy Wiseau, "That's life."

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