Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Looking for love on Craigslist #5

Unrepentant misogynist in need of hot cunt. - m4w

Hello, ladies. I'm a big fan of yours. I love to hate you. I'm your average lad, a twenty-something lowlife, jobless loser. I look and act like a less moral version of Hitman. I know you're feeling this right here. Nice guys finish last, and every lass wants a real man, one that treats them like dirt. Scumbags are where it's at: use me to get back at your Dad for denying you that Jetta.

You're loving this shit. I know you don't want no square, man. I know you don't want some bitchboy who works at Best Buy, you know, going places with his life. I'll make you pay for our movie tickets and fancy dinners. This will give you purpose. We can make love for a couple of minutes, then when I finish, you'll be left unsatisfied and wanting more and I'll say, "Shut up and make me some Kool-Aid. By the way I squinted so I could pretend you were your Mother during sexual intercourse."

Sure, that's mean-spirited, but then you have a good conversation starter with your girlfriends. I'll call you by your best friend's name—guy or girl—during love just to irritate you. I'll give you things to talk about. "My boyfriend hits me. I don't know what to do. I still love him..." etc. Not that I'd hit you in malice, I just get bored easily and love Evander Holyfield. You'd learn to love it, babe. Hurts so good.

Historically, girls love being treated poorly. Watch any decent romance flick ever released, and you'll notice one distinction: every man horribly screws up before getting it right. You know, that part in the movie where the guy says, "Claire, I made a bet with Steve that I would get to fuck you first. Then, somewhere along the line, I realized how sweet you were and fell in love." Then Claire gets mad, then the guy saves her dog, then they mate on the lawn of a character played by Carrot Top and the protagonist cums on her chest. This is a human tale that resonates.

Why's it so hard to meet a nice girl that can get down with no strings? Girl, I just want to stroke your red hair and take a gander at your brown asshole. That's more of an immediate need, but it doesn't mean I don't care about where you grew up in, or how much you love your retarded dog. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in lying in bed and watching your favorite animated Disney classic, I'd just rather do it with your latest orgasm in my beard. Jesus Christ, is that so much to ask? It doesn't mean I'm indifferent to your totally engrossing conversation about how you're going to change the world with your sociology degree, I just want to make love to your excessively hairy armpit.

And you should have hairy legs, too. All about nature in this bitch. Shit. Don't call me weird for wanting to fuck your underarms, I'm a romantic. I want to be down with every part of you. Box of chocolates in this bitch. Fuck. I want your breastmilk providing my protein. I want to get on top of you and fuck you while staring into your eyes with a heartlessness, with a heartlessness. I want to look into your little pupils and iris while I let that fiery-hot ooze seep deep into your uterus like it's that PC game Pipe Dream. So hot, so deep inside you, babe. So hot it's like sulfuric acid and burns through your vagina lining and comes out your asshole, babe. I'm a romantic, babe.

I want to mouth every inch of your hairy fucking legs, all red like a leprechaun and shit. From your feet all the way to your pink pot of gold. My mouth will be like heavy duty equipment for grains on the hairy fields of your legs. I want to do this in a public park or a bus station. I want to see hot sunlight reflecting on your beautiful cunny hairs until it burns them into different colors. I want to taste the dripping sweat from your candy jar and drink it like that monster in Ninja Scroll drinks blood from broken limbs. I want my holy grail filled to the brim with your sweat and seven consecutive orgasms (not weird I just crush a lot).

I want to put it in your asshole, only because I have one and it'll be sexy to know how uncomfortable I'm making you feel. Then we can browse your favorite thrift store or what have you. I want to lick your eyebrows, your earlobes, and inside your ear holes. I want to lick your tail if you have one. I want to wank with your hair draped around my cock so I'm pullin' your purple-colored hairs out from under my foreskin several days from now. I want to play-rape you until you scream the safety word but you know I won't stop. Then we can cook tofu. Why's it so hard to meet someone normal?

FLAGGED immediately.

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