Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Atheists are superior to Christians

In addition to most other theists. Recently I was giving deep thought to the idea. One must measure their difference in the most simple of forms with the most basic of terms. Here is my analogy that rivals Bertrand Russell's teapot idea, ending the debate as to which are better and contribute more to modern society: the bakesale analogy.

Atheists are innately Godless, hedonistic heathens. Were 100 atheists to contribute to their local bakesale with brownies, cookies, and what have you, one batch of baked goods will have been wanked in, and one will have T.H.C. baked into the butter (e.g. "marijuana brownies"). Why? This is what Godless, amoral people do. They wank into things and cause elementary school kids to hallucinate to fill the void in their shallow hearts. Atheists know no feeling other than hatred.

However, with Christians, on the other hand, two of every cake will have been made "crazy" through Christian mothers confusing sugar with crack cocaine, or simply using grounded crack rock as a substitute when they've ran out of sugar. Christians often run out of sugar, because they're forced by their faith's governing law to be loyal to their neighbor, hence the popularity of asking a neighbor for sugar.

So if we're equal at two perversely polluted pastries out of every 100, it's a tie, and atheists and Christians are equally shitty per the bakesale analogy. Not so fast, though. My ever-questioning mind begged me to continue to find insight into the masses through rationale. Atheists question more. It is simple fact. Smart people question things. Gay people question their sexuality, which is why they're generally accepted as better hairdressers. Your average atheist is more prone to having heavily questioned their previous faith or the existence of a deity. Meanwhile Christians are less against the grain and more conventional. No offense to my large and loyal Xian fanbase, but I don't know whether to call you sheep or swine.

This factual information that atheists are without a doubt more intelligent to their theological opposites implies a defining distinction. Sure, Christians are loving, and atheists have hate and coal for hearts, but this means atheists are more prone to knowledge in antiseptics, a healthy fear of germs, and the use of soap and hand sanitizers. This means there would be a significantly lower percentage of baked goods with traces of urine and/or "other."

The information I've gathered marks a defiant end to the question of, "To be of faith or not, in these most modern of times?" In addition to this groundbreaking research — surely soon to be studied and quoted by Richard "Tricky Dick" Dawkins — atheists do not demand capitalization as Christians do. It's a terribly tedious and pompous thing to be associated with, and as such, I'll have no part in it.

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